Five Stages in a Relationship..

Apparently, when you start a relationship, you embark upon the first of five stages. Each phase is necessary to move forward, but what you don't know is how long each phase will take you both. For some people the process can take weeks and some, years, but each stage is necessary. I realised this week that I have never totally moved totally out of the third stage - the reality stage - it's not comfortable as I thrive in and pine for the previous stages. Anyway, the stages are:

Stage One - Attraction

Falling in lust! This is when you are very strongly attracted to one another and nothing else matters. You get butterflies when you think of them and can’t keep your hands off each other. There is little or no mental connection or compatibility needed. You can get caught in this stage with someone entirely incompatible.

Stage Two - Romance

Falling in love! You see your partner as the perfect person in the world, who cannot do anything wrong. The whole world revolves around them and you hardly have time for anyone else. In fact, you're actually coming up with an idealisation of the perfect person: you're drawing a lot on your past - they fill in whatever it is you felt needed and didn’t get, particularly with exes. In this stage we feel on a high, feeling so close and loved and merged with our partner.

Stage Three - Reality
The Eye Opener! Slowly and gradually, the negative aspects of our partner’s personality becomes apparent. Both the partners relax and start behaving more like they would with their family. This phase is the first time you consider whether you can spend the rest of your life with this person. You are picking at their faults and resisting criticism about yours.

A lot of relationships break up during this phase, because we miss the Romantic Phase, that intense physical and mental connection where we felt so unconditionally accepted. We tend to think our partner is either not compatible enough, or that they don't really love us the way they used to. This stage can feel like a dip from the high in the previous phase, now feeling lonely, that something is missing and feeling scared of commiting to something imperfect and real.

You have to go through the reality stage to make a good judgement about moving forward. This is amongst the most crucial phases of a relationship, which can either lead to a strong and mature relationship or..in many cases..a break up.

Stage Four – Stability

Settling in! If you have successfully managed to pass the ‘eye-opener stage’, the road ahead will become much smoother. In this stage, both the partners realise that their partner is a normal individual, with positive as well as negative aspects. Now, you don’t like spending the entire time with your partner and in fact feel the need for space and freedom. The idea of perfection slowly begins to dissolve and acceptance starts. You find middle ground and compromise, both realising that mutual adjustment and negotiation is the key to a successful relationship.

Stage Five - Commitment

Marriage! If a couple manages to maintain the maturity stage, commitment is the most obvious result. By this time, you have totally accepted each other and can be great lovers as well as friends. You finally realise that partners complement each other - not complete each other. This is the time when you discover a deeper, meaningful love for your partner for who they really are and not a version of them that you dreamt up! Warning...this is also the stage you need to watch because you can become overly relaxed companions..and the sexual spark can fade, so you need to make the effort to be romantic.

Funny cards

Laughter is the best medicine. Thank you K, E & B who have sent the following and made me laugh so much...

The abs...as if!!!

Coping with Redundancy

I have recently been told I am being made redundant.

I was informed in what was described as an “informal discussion”, which as I respectfully pointed out was neither informal, nor was it a discussion.

Actually, during the conversation, I kept thinking how awful it must be for my boss having to tell so many people something so awful: not an experience anyone would enjoy or choose to do unless they really had to. “Shit things can happen to good people” she said. “Yes and good things happen to shit people”  I joked, thinking of greedy bankers still getting their bonuses, whilst so many lives are left in tatters. 


Redundant: a word that means superfluous, needless, and excess – so it’s not a great start on the road to self-esteem. It knocks you and changes who you are - albeit temporarily - it's hard to really relax or truly enjoy anything. One decision about you and your life has changed and come to a standstill. Your head is filled with all kinds of worries and concerns resulting in many sleepless nights. "It’s the role it's not personal" they say, but it feels like a professional slap in the face: everything you do five days a week, eight hours a day seems, in the final analysis, to have been unimportant. Going back in to work is incredibly hard, you were once part of a big team, all committed to a shared goal and now you feel like an isolated individual with no motivation to make a difference anymore and yet you still care about the people you work with, so you force yourself to stay positive and professonal.


The good thing? How kind and thoughtful people are. My loved ones are typically unswerving and supportive and one special person has been nothing short of amazing (Thank You A - elephant juice). I am also lucky that I won’t ever be literally homeless, so I am blessed. What has been so helpful is how great my friends have been. I have been sent a set of inspirational books, like Anthony Robbins - Waking the Giant Within (TY S), some fantastic career advice(TY A), general help and support (TY S), suggested job site links (TY C), empathetic email sharing a similar experience (TY M), invite to visit for some R&R (TY A), and many words of kindness and encouragement through cards, texts and emails. This is what keeps us going, so don't underestimate your random acts of kindness. Today a quiet sweet secretary, who I hardly know, came into my office and asked if I was okay and gave me such a sweet and kind smile. I left work feeling a bit happier knowing when most people are good, so is life.

So, what next...who knows...