Funny cards

Laughter is the best medicine. Thank you K, E & B who have sent the following and made me laugh so much...

The abs...as if!!!

Funniest things written on real CVs / Resumes...

I asked my brother-in-law to proof my CV once and just before I emailed it off to a number of agencies, noticed that he had added one of my hobbies, as...well...it rhymes with flagging. Thanks C.

Here are some funny comments or mistakes from real resumes and cvs:

Notes:

- Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.


- Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.


Hobbies:


- Drugs and girls.


- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.


- Having a good time



Skills:

- I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings.


- I am great with the pubic.


- My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.


- Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.


- I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.


Qualifications:


- I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.


- I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap.


Experience:

- Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.


- Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.


- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.


- Stalking, shipping & receiving

Salary:
- I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich.


References:
 - Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.

Reason for leaving:

 - Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.

- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.

-The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.


- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.


Where do you see yourself in five years?

- Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually I’d like that now.


- My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can’t do that, I’ll settle on being an accountant.

Sign Here: Aries

Wit is the highest form of humour..

"Wit is a sword; it is meant to make people feel the point as well as see it.” GK Chesterton

I have talked about the Geordie sense of humour, which is witty banter or taking the... mickey. Harry Hill's TV Burp is considered the news up there.

I do think that wit is the highest form of humour. However, witty people can be misunderstood as they can be considered rather cruel, rude or obnoxious (e.g Jeremy Clarkson, Simon Cowell).

To me, witty people are just brave social commentators with an acerbic, cynical, perspective on life. So what they say is provocative, but there is often a generalised truth or existing hypocrisy or pomposity they need to poke at.

“I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time.”

Jeremy Clarkson

"She's so pure, Moses could not even part her legs."

Joan Rivers about Marie Osmond

“Can't respond, I am too f***ing busy, and vice versa.”

Dorothy Parker when being pestered by her editor.
Oh, I'd love to put this on my answering machine, for pure shock factor, but I like my Dad and my job!

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”

Oscar Wilde

"Baldrick, you wouldn’t know a cunning plan if it painted itself purple, and danced naked on a harpsichord singing 'cunning plans are here again'

Blackadder – character TV series

"Ten men waiting for me at the door? I'm tired...send one of them home."

Mae West

"People who've won a rosette at a donkey derby don't go on to win the Grand National. Your daughter cannot sing."

Simon Cowell

Motherhood: the best of times, the worst of times...

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair..."

Charles Dickens

For Mother's Day, I wanted to write something about successful techniques on being a good parent, so I asked some of my female friends and family their thoughts about being a Mum. After hearing what they have said, I am just left struggling to find the right words that reflect the profound respect and admiration I have for all these women. I thought the above quote summed up what they said!

They are all women who think they are “muddling along” in “ordinary lives”, but they are in truth, extraordinary people. Women who don’t appreciate that each and every time they have cared for, encouraged, supported, listened, disciplined and helped their child, they have done an incredibly wonderful thing. Women whose lives are filled with countless selfless acts of kindness, as they shop, tidy up, clean after, cook, read, wash, drive for their children. Women who are often also trying to be good: wives, friends, sisters, daughters and colleagues too.

Celebrating our friends from Mars..

That best portion of a good man's life,
His little, nameless, unremembered acts
Of kindness and of love

William Wordsworth

 

Like most single women, I have make generic and “eye rolling” statements about men, usually said with tongue in cheek. But actually, I am a big fan. All my life I have been surrounded by quality men: my father, my brother, my brother-in-law, my uncles, my cousins, my godfather, my friends, husbands of friends/ family, most exes and the majority of colleagues and dates. As a teacher I came across so many talented and intelligent young men that I knew would also become men of worth one day. As an “aunty” I can name six little boys that just make me glad to be alive when I think of how funny and special they are (Z & S, Ch, C & N, J). I am so lucky I have had in my life, endless examples of men who are decent, caring, honest, wise, strong, intelligent and great company.

Family nicknames

It amuses me how families can develop nicknames or phrases that become ingrained into the language of the family and seem strange to anyone outside.

My sister’s nickname is Bood. There are several explanations of how it came about, but Bood has been called “Bood” since any of us can remember. Not only is it a sign of deep affection for the youngest and sweetest member of the family – but it clearly defines our inner circle. I remember a new-ish boyfriend of mine calling her “Bood” and it was about as welcome as Brian Sewell reciting Latin psalms in a Moss-side pub during an FA Cup Final. However, her husband called her Bood almost from the day he met her, and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

Over more recent years a phrase has started to emerge in our family. My sister-in-law, Paula, is an arbiter of impeccable taste. She surrounds herself in beautiful, elegant and understated things. (Okay, not the best description of my brother.) Over the years, rather than describing something as sophisticated, classy and tasteful – it is now just referred to as “very P ”. My Dad knew that his Christmas present of a floor lamp was perfect when I enthused “oh, it’s VERP P ”. We all understand exactly what great praise this is.

Great Expectations?

Today, I have been reliably informed via some women friends in solid marriages, that their secret to happiness is - "to reduce your expectations".

Please, please tell me - which expectations?

That I am going to marry Donny Osmond, Suggs or Robbie Williams?
Done already. I have not been holding out for a super rich, successful, incredibly buff or handsome man. I know none of that may last, so not a reason to select someone. I am not Angelina Jolie, so not expecting Brad Pitt to father my kids (or adopt them!).

That you should be very attracted to one another and have buckets of chemistry?

Okay, if this is the one then I have made a huge mistake. I thought feeling wobbly bonkers about each other was crucial? I have met scores and scores of fabulous men whom I get on with famously and have lots in common with - just no chemistry. Not a decision I personally can make straight away as it's not about just looks for me, but an inner confidence, humour, emotional intelligence, how they look at me and how they listen to me. Oh, and that twinkle in their eye that says "try me, I'm fun to be with". Am I meant to go for Harold Bishop look alikes just because they want to spoil me wotten and tweat me like a pwincess?! Ugh...I can't do that !!!

Potty about Pink..

...Crazy about Cerise and Mad about Magenta.

In the words of my five year old niece "I love pink, I really NEED lots of pink things".  I know how she feels.

Research has shown that women and girls tend to prefer soft colours from the red hue such as pinks and purples. It has been shown that a product created in pink will sell to the female market quicker than any other colour. The top three most popular products being a pink mobile phone, camcorder and laptop. Even the pink Numatic Hetty vacuum cleaner is the16th most popular vacuum out of more than 375 models!

Scientists in Britain think they might have found an evolutionary explanation for why women like the colour pink. They say that in pre-historic times, women were the foragers and needed to be able to search efficiently for berries and fruits. Ripe fruits and berries tend to be reddish hue, such as raspberries, strawberries, cherries, plums and redcurrants, so women evolved to zone in on them and prefer them to other shades.

Life Regrets

I don’t have many regrets in life: some people at school I could have been kinder to; a relationship that should have been five months not five years; moving to Thailand and selling my flat. However, if I could go back again it would be to re-do the conversations I had with people who lost their loved ones to cancer.

I recognised their loss and expressed my sympathy of course...”sorry to hear about your Mum” etc. I only wish I’d understood what heart-breaking tragedy they had just lived through, what a huge range of emotions they had to face on their own as well as with their loved ones. If I had known what depth of anguish and fear they had witnessed, I would have done, said something, anything more than I did.

Now, I would stop, I would listen and take time to recognise the life-changing experience of watching someone they love die, because their body failed them, not their heart, not their mind and not through lack of sheer determination to live. The disease beat them and wore the body down. It beat the strongest drugs and the most earnest and desperate of prayers. It's a disease that is so vile and devastating, that the first feelings for the person who passes are of relief as they have finally been released from the suffering.  

I would also not forget that for a time their loss is something they live every moment of everyday with as normal life resumes. I know now that even with time, sadness is now a part of their life and it dwells just under the surface of everything, the pain ready to reappear at surprising moments and make the loss feel like yesterday again. I would realise that on special days, however happy they seem, some part of it is tarnished, knowing their loved one didn't get to see it.

I wish I'd known then what strong and courageous people they had lost and what strong and courageous people they had to become themselves because of losing somoene they loved to cancer.


Oh, what I’d give for a hundred years
But the physical interferes
Every day more – oh my creator
What is good with the strongest heart?
In a body that’s falling apart?
A serious flaw
I hope you know that...


Waltz for Eva and Che

From Evita

The love between sisters...

Jane Austen described her sister as “a treasure, such a sister, such a friend as never can have been surpassed...the sun of my life, the gilder of every pleasure, the soother of every sorrow; I had not a thought concealed from her”.

She couldn’t have put it better.

Having a good sister is one of the greatest gifts in life: she is your best friend and most honest critic. A sister is a version of you that is so familiar it is comforting and yet, she is so different it is also liberating. She is the person you can always tell anything to, and she listens with her heart. She has shared your childhood memories and knows all your grown-up dreams, so hers is the advice to trust because her agenda is your happiness. It is your sister who believes in you, long after you stop believing in yourself.

Julia – my “Boodie” - is beautiful. She is beautiful to look at and beautiful by nature.  When we see each other we squeal and hug with so much delight. We still laugh uncontrollably about silly private jokes that are years old (at high pitch) and chat for hours and hours (her husband is delighted with the phone bill). We are fun, noisy and silly together, so much so, once my brother on military leave announced he was returning to war-torn Bosnia for some "peace and quiet".

The poor people up North

My friend told me that he took a pile of clothes to the charity shop in Henley or Ascot. He wasn't sure if they were good enough quality to sell and explained this to the woman.

"Oh, don't worry" she said "if they are not good enough, we will send them to the poor people up North".

Well I hope there were plenty of T shirts. Favoured outfit of geordie boys, in winter with their "tabs" (cigarettes) rolled up in the sleeve.

My talented best friend

I am very proud of my bestest mate from school (Durham Sixth Form Centre), Helen Austin. Helen spent 20 years performing as a successful musical stand-up comedian, regularly headlining the Comedy Store in London.

Though it was disconcerting when the start of her comedy set began with "my best friend..." Also something naughty I told her ended up in her book "Women Behaving Badly".

She and her lovely family selfishly moved to Canada in 2002, where she has established herself as a successful singer/ song writer.I genuinely love listening to her music and religiously listen to her song of the week.

Review of Woman in Black play

A very special friend took me to Windsor Royal Theatre (a beautiful old theatre frequented by Her Maj), to see Stephen Mallatratt’s adaptation of Susan Hill’s novel, The Woman in Black.

I have heard several descriptions of this as terrifying, spine chilling and incredibly scary ghost story. Well, I didn’t think so. The screaming teenage girls in the rows in front would disagree. It is however very riveting and full of suspense and a great story with a clever twist at the end.

Expectation created through some brilliant acting was the main part of the fear factor for me. The two actors Andrew Jarvis and Timothy Watson were excellent. Andrew Jarvis was incredibly versatile playing so many different parts.

A definite must.

Advice from happily married friends..

I can't think of any of my friends or family who have not made a really good choice in husbands (a couple the second time around).  So I listen to how they make it work...

 

Helen said:

"Carrie, you do want to marry a MAN don't you? If so, you are going to have to expect disappointing behaviour."

"You need to find someone you actually really like and respect as a person."

"Read the The Five Love Languages. It has transformed relationships."

"Sometimes you have to decide if you want to prove you are right, or want to be happy."

Bood said:
"You don't actually think you will find a man who will say "let's sit down and talk about our feelings" do you?

"You have to have fun and laugh together."

P said:
"Reduce your expectations"

"Choose your battles carefully"

Elaine said:
"If you are a strong, confident woman, you must find an even stronger man who recognises there is also a vulnerable girl inside there too, or you end up doing everything and being his mother."

"Anyone who is thinking of getting married and having kids, should watch the movie Marley & Me. That's real life."

Mum said:
"Watch how he treats his Mum."

J said:

"You have to find someone who can manage you and you can manage them.."

"Find someone who handles you with kindness when you are not perfect."

Emma said:
"Find someone who is kind and considerate to your needs, that the focus is not always about him. Someone who senses when YOU are pressured, busy, tired and feeling low too. That he asks how and does things to make you feel happy and feel appreciated. Self-absorbed and selfish men, usually end up with nagging and unhappy wives...or divorced."

"Don't ever fight fire with fire. One of you has to be be the better person and manage a situation better than the other at different times."

Becs said:
You both have to consciously work at and prioritise the relationship. Make time (book it out, if you have to) to have quality time together, whatever else is happening. It’s fantastic at the beginning because you are making a lot of effort.

North Eastern men do banter best

One of the things I am most proud of being  a North Eastern lass is the sense of humour of our men. Where ever I have gone in the world, if I hear that accent...I know I am going to have a hilarious evening.

Ant & Dec often feature in my dreams. Not like that...they are just around. I think because they are so similar to the kind of male friends I had growing up in Durham: funny, easy going and always keep your feet on the ground. A few I am still in touch with and they can still make me laugh with their cheeky one liners. You can't get pretentious or precious around Northern blokes, they will just tease you and I love them for it.

A case in point. I like getting "thought for the day" emailed to me. You know the kind of thing:  "Plant seeds of peace now and you will create a life of peace in the future."  One day, I thought I would share this spiritual wisdom with some friends, in order to enrich their lives, so emailed it on. The response from my Northern friend Paul:  "What was that reet pile of gobshite Blakey? Look lass, get ower yersel, we knaa where you came from."   Straight to the jugular.

In second place on good banter come the Welsh boys and the Scots.

Lyrics that remind me of Mum

I had a complicated relationship with my mother, it was full of conflict and love. We lost her to cancer in April 2007. She was an extrordinary woman and has left a big gap in our lives.

When I heard this poignant song by Christina Aguilera...I couldn't believe how near to the bone the lyrics were.


I have picked out the lines that really hit home.

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face...
...If only I knew what I know today, ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms; I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done, forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh
Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away

Three cute boys told me they love me...

The bad news is they are all under six. It seems some people find true love easily.  I have found Mr. Nearly-Right, Mr Right-Now, Mr Right-For-Her-Not-Me, Mr Right-Laugh and Mr Wrong. I am lucky to have met some wonderful men, most of whom have treated me well. However, it seems, I still have not met "the one" .

As a friend of mine said when I asked him if he had any nice single friends his reply was "no, not anymore, the only ones I knew that were single are now re-married". Great, so I missed the second round.

My social life seemed to revolve around going to married-with-kids friends' houses at weekends, meeting their married-with-kids-friends. Then, when I started getting "I Love You" notes from a four year old, I thought I ought to take action and try internet dating.

Is my future a house full of smelly cats and peaking through lace curtains?

DON'T treat us mean, to keep us keen...

Every women reaches a stage when she realises that the treat-'em-mean types are a waste of time and toxic. Luckily, my visit to Bad Boy Island was many years ago and definitely not worth the effort or hassle. Also, from personal dating experiences and confirmed in discussions with male friends: when a man comes across a woman of quality, who could be someone special, they step up and increase their game.

The men who get and keep my attention are without any doubt, those who have the confidence and emotional maturity to show the Keen Card, right from the start. Like sending a pre-first date text along the lines of 'looking forward to meeting you'. Smart guys who are interested text really quickly post-date to check you have got home, thank you for the evening and ask about another meet. I don't know one happily married woman who got treated shabbily by her husband when they met. There will be exceptions of course, but mine and other single girls' experiences have been, silence is not a good sign, so (get ready to) move on.