Funny cards

Laughter is the best medicine. Thank you K, E & B who have sent the following and made me laugh so much...

The abs...as if!!!

Funniest things written on real CVs / Resumes...

I asked my brother-in-law to proof my CV once and just before I emailed it off to a number of agencies, noticed that he had added one of my hobbies, as...well...it rhymes with flagging. Thanks C.

Here are some funny comments or mistakes from real resumes and cvs:

Notes:

- Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.


- Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.


Hobbies:


- Drugs and girls.


- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.


- Having a good time



Skills:

- I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings.


- I am great with the pubic.


- My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.


- Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.


- I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.


Qualifications:


- I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.


- I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap.


Experience:

- Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.


- Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.


- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.


- Stalking, shipping & receiving

Salary:
- I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich.


References:
 - Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.

Reason for leaving:

 - Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.

- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.

-The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.


- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.


Where do you see yourself in five years?

- Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually I’d like that now.


- My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can’t do that, I’ll settle on being an accountant.

Sign Here: Aries

Wit is the highest form of humour..

"Wit is a sword; it is meant to make people feel the point as well as see it.” GK Chesterton

I have talked about the Geordie sense of humour, which is witty banter or taking the... mickey. Harry Hill's TV Burp is considered the news up there.

I do think that wit is the highest form of humour. However, witty people can be misunderstood as they can be considered rather cruel, rude or obnoxious (e.g Jeremy Clarkson, Simon Cowell).

To me, witty people are just brave social commentators with an acerbic, cynical, perspective on life. So what they say is provocative, but there is often a generalised truth or existing hypocrisy or pomposity they need to poke at.

“I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time.”

Jeremy Clarkson

"She's so pure, Moses could not even part her legs."

Joan Rivers about Marie Osmond

“Can't respond, I am too f***ing busy, and vice versa.”

Dorothy Parker when being pestered by her editor.
Oh, I'd love to put this on my answering machine, for pure shock factor, but I like my Dad and my job!

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”

Oscar Wilde

"Baldrick, you wouldn’t know a cunning plan if it painted itself purple, and danced naked on a harpsichord singing 'cunning plans are here again'

Blackadder – character TV series

"Ten men waiting for me at the door? I'm tired...send one of them home."

Mae West

"People who've won a rosette at a donkey derby don't go on to win the Grand National. Your daughter cannot sing."

Simon Cowell

Dogs Are a Girl’s Best Friend

I love dogs; I can take or leave cats. The difference between cats and dogs is that if you were decorating a room, a cat would be watching you and thinking: “This is so boring, you are are doing that completely wrong - fool”. A dog would watch you and think “No idea what you are doing, but it’s sooo exciting and you are brilliant.”







Dogs are so rewarding, all the love you put in, a dog will give you back ten-fold. There are also proven advantages of owning a dog:

What women want in a man...

Okay, I have been known to contemplate what my expectations should be from men; this made me laugh out loud.

I know now where I am going wrong, I realise I am stuck in the expecations of a girl of 32 and still a 22 year old for three: No. 4 & 5 &..well No.? ...that's for me to know!! But then I'd actually go for aged 42: he looks funny and confident (no comb over/ half & half hair thing). No wonder I am confused.

Family nicknames

It amuses me how families can develop nicknames or phrases that become ingrained into the language of the family and seem strange to anyone outside.

My sister’s nickname is Bood. There are several explanations of how it came about, but Bood has been called “Bood” since any of us can remember. Not only is it a sign of deep affection for the youngest and sweetest member of the family – but it clearly defines our inner circle. I remember a new-ish boyfriend of mine calling her “Bood” and it was about as welcome as Brian Sewell reciting Latin psalms in a Moss-side pub during an FA Cup Final. However, her husband called her Bood almost from the day he met her, and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

Over more recent years a phrase has started to emerge in our family. My sister-in-law, Paula, is an arbiter of impeccable taste. She surrounds herself in beautiful, elegant and understated things. (Okay, not the best description of my brother.) Over the years, rather than describing something as sophisticated, classy and tasteful – it is now just referred to as “very P ”. My Dad knew that his Christmas present of a floor lamp was perfect when I enthused “oh, it’s VERP P ”. We all understand exactly what great praise this is.

How I Met Your Mother - TV Sitcom

If you miss TV sitcom "Friends"...or have got to the point you can’t possibly watch another repeat on T4, try watching "How I Met Your Mother". It’s an American TV comedy, about a group of twenty-something friends and their life in New York. Sound familiar?

The show is about Ted (Josh Radnor), a single, 27-year-old architect and his search for true love. The series is narrated through flashbacks from the future with Ted addressing his teenage kids about - you guessed it - how he met their mother.

Great Expectations?

Today, I have been reliably informed via some women friends in solid marriages, that their secret to happiness is - "to reduce your expectations".

Please, please tell me - which expectations?

That I am going to marry Donny Osmond, Suggs or Robbie Williams?
Done already. I have not been holding out for a super rich, successful, incredibly buff or handsome man. I know none of that may last, so not a reason to select someone. I am not Angelina Jolie, so not expecting Brad Pitt to father my kids (or adopt them!).

That you should be very attracted to one another and have buckets of chemistry?

Okay, if this is the one then I have made a huge mistake. I thought feeling wobbly bonkers about each other was crucial? I have met scores and scores of fabulous men whom I get on with famously and have lots in common with - just no chemistry. Not a decision I personally can make straight away as it's not about just looks for me, but an inner confidence, humour, emotional intelligence, how they look at me and how they listen to me. Oh, and that twinkle in their eye that says "try me, I'm fun to be with". Am I meant to go for Harold Bishop look alikes just because they want to spoil me wotten and tweat me like a pwincess?! Ugh...I can't do that !!!

Potty about Pink..

...Crazy about Cerise and Mad about Magenta.

In the words of my five year old niece "I love pink, I really NEED lots of pink things".  I know how she feels.

Research has shown that women and girls tend to prefer soft colours from the red hue such as pinks and purples. It has been shown that a product created in pink will sell to the female market quicker than any other colour. The top three most popular products being a pink mobile phone, camcorder and laptop. Even the pink Numatic Hetty vacuum cleaner is the16th most popular vacuum out of more than 375 models!

Scientists in Britain think they might have found an evolutionary explanation for why women like the colour pink. They say that in pre-historic times, women were the foragers and needed to be able to search efficiently for berries and fruits. Ripe fruits and berries tend to be reddish hue, such as raspberries, strawberries, cherries, plums and redcurrants, so women evolved to zone in on them and prefer them to other shades.

The love between sisters...

Jane Austen described her sister as “a treasure, such a sister, such a friend as never can have been surpassed...the sun of my life, the gilder of every pleasure, the soother of every sorrow; I had not a thought concealed from her”.

She couldn’t have put it better.

Having a good sister is one of the greatest gifts in life: she is your best friend and most honest critic. A sister is a version of you that is so familiar it is comforting and yet, she is so different it is also liberating. She is the person you can always tell anything to, and she listens with her heart. She has shared your childhood memories and knows all your grown-up dreams, so hers is the advice to trust because her agenda is your happiness. It is your sister who believes in you, long after you stop believing in yourself.

Julia – my “Boodie” - is beautiful. She is beautiful to look at and beautiful by nature.  When we see each other we squeal and hug with so much delight. We still laugh uncontrollably about silly private jokes that are years old (at high pitch) and chat for hours and hours (her husband is delighted with the phone bill). We are fun, noisy and silly together, so much so, once my brother on military leave announced he was returning to war-torn Bosnia for some "peace and quiet".

The poor people up North

My friend told me that he took a pile of clothes to the charity shop in Henley or Ascot. He wasn't sure if they were good enough quality to sell and explained this to the woman.

"Oh, don't worry" she said "if they are not good enough, we will send them to the poor people up North".

Well I hope there were plenty of T shirts. Favoured outfit of geordie boys, in winter with their "tabs" (cigarettes) rolled up in the sleeve.

Old Durham Town

"I got off at Durham... and fell in love with it instantly in a serious way. Why, it's wonderful - a perfect little city.... If you have never been to Durham, go there at once. Take my car. It's wonderful." Bill Bryson

I grew up in Durham, a beautiful historic city and home to the world class university. However, as a teenager I thought it was exceptionally selfish of my parents to have moved to a place with just two nightclubs and an aptly named pub called the “Fighting Cocks”. However, I remember driving back home one Christmas from university and saw the stunningly beautiful cathedral and castle lit up against the night sky and realised how privileged I was to call this home.

My talented best friend

I am very proud of my bestest mate from school (Durham Sixth Form Centre), Helen Austin. Helen spent 20 years performing as a successful musical stand-up comedian, regularly headlining the Comedy Store in London.

Though it was disconcerting when the start of her comedy set began with "my best friend..." Also something naughty I told her ended up in her book "Women Behaving Badly".

She and her lovely family selfishly moved to Canada in 2002, where she has established herself as a successful singer/ song writer.I genuinely love listening to her music and religiously listen to her song of the week.

Compliments

This is one of the best compliments I have ever had (from a non-boyfriend)...

"You exude the sparkle and confidence of a woman who knows she is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside."

I told my then-boyfriend who laughed for about half an hour. Yep, straight back to Reality Station.

Ghost Whisperer - American TV Drama

Melinda Gordon (played by Jennifer Love Hewitt) sees earth bound spirits and uses her ability to help people by communicating with them and resolving unfinished business with the living before they cross over into “the light”. Love (as she is known in The Biz) is a stunning woman, but actually quite a good actor too. It’s more heart-warming than scary and I love the one complete story per episode.

On a deeper note, it feels comforting to think of those we have lost going into a light where they are welcomed by past loved ones.

On a shallow note, Love’s character wears lovely clothes, lives in a gorgeous home in an adorable-looking town and is married to the perfect man, so it’s all very easy on the eye. I don’t know any blokes that would sit through more than one episode though, and that would be just to watch Hewitt’s notable assets bursting out of her endless array of silk nightdresses.

The only scary thing about the show is Love's massive false eyelashes, which look like a pair of spiders trying to escape. Anyway, I am on Season Five and loving it. If you enjoy this, try Medium.

Do I need psychological help?

The other night I dreamt I was riding a beautiful, big black horse across a massive landscape. It then morphed into Gordon Ramsey. Then I started snogging him.

My only explanation is - given I has Swine Flu at the time - I needed fresh air and exercise, food and some TLC. That or I am seriously disturbed.

My Mr. Man collection!

When I am old, batty, rude and wearing purple, I am going to look back and giggle about all the men I have dated (I do mean INNOCENTLY dated - not known in a biblical sense). I have an interesting collection I think and wonder if I have the elements of a dating board game here...

They have come from:

Scotland, (Mr. Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Know &
Mr. Sensible)

Belgium (Mr. Blue Lagoon looka-likie)

Ireland (Mr .Drunken Poet)

Wales (Mr. Rugby, Mr I Have a Bentley)

England (Mr. Hilarious, Mr. Lurch, Mr. Successful, Mr. Grand Prix, Mr Ditzy, Mr. BBC, Mr Elvis-looka-likie, Mr. Morrissey is God, Mr. Sweet, Mr. Teddy Bears, Mr National Trust, Mr. Kind, Mr. Integrity, Mr. Comedy, Mr So-Bland-Can't-Think-of-a-Mr-Name...okay better stop and not go near school dating days..)

USA (Mr. Weaken Knees with my Southern Drawl & Mr. Pushy)

India (Mr. Spiritual, Mr Marathon)

Israel (Mr. Gorgeous)

Italy (Mr. Suave)

France (Mr. You Must Think I am Irresistible Because of my Exaggerated Accent)
Spain (Mr. Harvard)

Their professions have included:

Navy Seal, RAF Pilot, CEO, Marketing/ HR/ IT Directors, Army Officers, Entrepreneurs, Model, Artist, Doctor, Bankers, Camera-man, Barristers, Geologist, Photographer and in my dating board game, the equivalent of the "Go Straight to Jail Card" - one total Loser (many years ago).

Their age has been:
Three years older than me (an elite athlete) and er..15 + years younger (a whole 'nother blog).

Their ethnicity has been:
White, Black, Asian...though I have just realised I have never dated an Oriental guy!

The caveat to this is that I don’t enjoy dating. I dont crave attention from the "wrong man", I have been on a genuine search for the right one. Nor is it flattering or enjoyable when one of you is totally luke-warm about the other. No chemistry is really disappointing, even when you aren't interested. Yes, I am truly done with fake laughter and flicking my hair and making an effort with someone I feel isn't going to be significant in my life.  

I love being in a loving, healthy relationship I don't want to turn into some chubby version of Samantha from Sex & The City. I am Carrie looking for her Mr Big...I am a one-man-woman by nature and I would have loved to have settled down at 21 (okay, 25...a girl has to live a little). I am assuming my man has been too busy saving lives in the third world or discovering a cure for cancer...or both. So, I live in hope that I will settle down with someone smart, funny, my best friend who I can talk to about everything and can make me feel wobbly bonkers. Oh...and has a naughty streak! A Robbie Williams meets Jeremy Clarkson meets Jeremy Paxman, if you will.

On my dating board game - I don't have to come first, I just want to finish, do not pass GO and get sent directly home...to my Mr Right at the end.

Three cute boys told me they love me...

The bad news is they are all under six. It seems some people find true love easily.  I have found Mr. Nearly-Right, Mr Right-Now, Mr Right-For-Her-Not-Me, Mr Right-Laugh and Mr Wrong. I am lucky to have met some wonderful men, most of whom have treated me well. However, it seems, I still have not met "the one" .

As a friend of mine said when I asked him if he had any nice single friends his reply was "no, not anymore, the only ones I knew that were single are now re-married". Great, so I missed the second round.

My social life seemed to revolve around going to married-with-kids friends' houses at weekends, meeting their married-with-kids-friends. Then, when I started getting "I Love You" notes from a four year old, I thought I ought to take action and try internet dating.

Is my future a house full of smelly cats and peaking through lace curtains?

Snow and Love...

It struck me how similar snow and an ill-fated love are.


When there is no snow, you reminisce how great it was, wish and wait for it. When it finally arrives, it is breathtakingly beautiful and exciting. You can’t get enough and want to immerse yourself in the experience. The world looks brighter, prettier and better. All you want is for it to keep snowing...

When it starts to melt it gets messy and hard work to get through. You still enjoy the patches of snow left and the memories of how great it all was. Then it starts to ice over and it becomes a source of anxiety and inconvenience. It can take over your life and everything you do is impeded by the snow. Then all you wish is that it would go away, which it eventually does.

Then after a while, you forget the aggravation and trouble it caused and start wishing for snow again, but next time you’ll be better prepared.