Laughter is the best medicine. Thank you K, E & B who have sent the following and made me laugh so much...
The abs...as if!!!
Showing posts with label Things that make me smile. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Things that make me smile. Show all posts
Coping with Redundancy
I was informed in what was described as an “informal discussion”, which as I respectfully pointed out was neither informal, nor was it a discussion.
Actually, during the conversation, I kept thinking how awful it must be for my boss having to tell so many people something so awful: not an experience anyone would enjoy or choose to do unless they really had to. “Shit things can happen to good people” she said. “Yes and good things happen to shit people” I joked, thinking of greedy bankers still getting their bonuses, whilst so many lives are left in tatters.
Redundant: a word that means superfluous, needless, and excess – so it’s not a great start on the road to self-esteem. It knocks you and changes who you are - albeit temporarily - it's hard to really relax or truly enjoy anything. One decision about you and your life has changed and come to a standstill. Your head is filled with all kinds of worries and concerns resulting in many sleepless nights. "It’s the role it's not personal" they say, but it feels like a professional slap in the face: everything you do five days a week, eight hours a day seems, in the final analysis, to have been unimportant. Going back in to work is incredibly hard, you were once part of a big team, all committed to a shared goal and now you feel like an isolated individual with no motivation to make a difference anymore and yet you still care about the people you work with, so you force yourself to stay positive and professonal.
The good thing? How kind and thoughtful people are. My loved ones are typically unswerving and supportive and one special person has been nothing short of amazing (Thank You A - elephant juice). I am also lucky that I won’t ever be literally homeless, so I am blessed. What has been so helpful is how great my friends have been. I have been sent a set of inspirational books, like Anthony Robbins - Waking the Giant Within (TY S), some fantastic career advice(TY A), general help and support (TY S), suggested job site links (TY C), empathetic email sharing a similar experience (TY M), invite to visit for some R&R (TY A), and many words of kindness and encouragement through cards, texts and emails. This is what keeps us going, so don't underestimate your random acts of kindness. Today a quiet sweet secretary, who I hardly know, came into my office and asked if I was okay and gave me such a sweet and kind smile. I left work feeling a bit happier knowing when most people are good, so is life.
So, what next...who knows...
Funniest things written on real CVs / Resumes...
I asked my brother-in-law to proof my CV once and just before I emailed it off to a number of agencies, noticed that he had added one of my hobbies, as...well...it rhymes with flagging. Thanks C.
Here are some funny comments or mistakes from real resumes and cvs:
Notes:
- Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
- Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
Hobbies:
- Drugs and girls.
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
- Having a good time
Skills:
- I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings.
- I am great with the pubic.
- My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.
- Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
- I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.
Qualifications:
- I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.
- I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap.
Experience:
- Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
- Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
- Stalking, shipping & receiving
Salary:
- I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich.
References:
- Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.
- Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.
-The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
- My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can’t do that, I’ll settle on being an accountant.
Sign Here: Aries
How to make anyone you meet like you...
"To be perceived as interesting to people, you must be interested in them. The ability to listen is admired much more than the ability to talk."
A subject that has been on my mind a lot recently has been what it is that makes you warm to someone when you meet them: whether on a date, in a social setting, or at work.
We judge each other by our communication skills - 85% of one’s success in life is directly due the messages our communications skills give out about us. I know someone who draws people to her like a magnet. People think she is wonderful and incredibly interesting. Actually she says very little about herself, she has a way of making you feel special - which is intoxicating. She achieves this purely by a) asking questions and then b) listening intently to the answers like it's the most fascinating thing she has ever heard. Sounds simple, but so many people get it wrong.
When it comes to dating, I know quickest way to get and keep a girl's heart is to listen and be interested in her... a tip missed by a significant number of men on dates. If someone talks about themselves all the time, you end up feeling boring, uninteresting and that your life and thoughts don't matter, a huge turn off. One date used to just text me all day with updates about his life, like I was a fan on his Twitter page and not one question about me. What runs through my head, is how would he make me happy if he doesn't have any interest in understanding who I am, where I come from, what I do 40 hours a week, the things I like, the person I want to be.Then they wonder why their looks, personality, achievements, sense of humour become irrelevant.
One of the most useful books that I have read is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, selling 15 million copies world-wide. I would highy recommend it to anyone (who wants to improve any relationship and be successful) to read it. These were the main points about how to make almost anyone like you:
1. Be interested.
The more interested you are in someone else: their lives, their achievements, their thoughts, the more interesting they will find you. Encourage others to talk about themselves, when you make someone feel important, they will feel drawn to you. You can win the attention, time and cooperation of almost anyone by showing genuine interest in them.
2. Smile and be cheerful.
The effect of a smile is very powerful, it changes relationships. However you feel - greet people cheerfully, enthusiastically and with a smile. People are drawn to happy, cheerful people as it radiates success. A person with a smile on their face is always liked and loved.
3. Remember names.
To hear your own name is the sweetest and most important sound in any language, particularly if you are not face to face. It's important to remember and use people's names.
4. Be great at conversation.
Listen:
To be perceived as interesting, you must be interested. Ask questions that the person will enjoy answering (their interests and achievements). Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Listen carefully for disclosures of things that are important to them and pick up on them. The ability to listen is admired much more than the ability to talk.
Ask questions:
If they reveal something, then ask them to qualify or provide more information. Often parroting a phrase or asking how that felt or why they believe something are great tools to show interest. Questions keeps the conversation going. For every thing you say about yourself, balance it with a question about them.
Use eye contact:
Strong eye contact gives the impression of being intelligent and sincere. Good eye contact signals confidence, trust and knowledge. Women love to be stared at intently, it is proven to increase desire and attraction - eye contact is essential in loving relationships to feel intimacy with someone.
Speak with passion:
Speak with enthusiasm, passion and positivity. Emphasise words and phrases to inject interest.
Use laughter:
Humour enriches every conversation; you will seem more engaging, attractive and likeable. However, never make fun of or make a joke at someone else’s expense to look funny.
Remember key things:
Learn the names of key people in other people’s lives, like their PA, kids, partner etc. Remember snippets of details they have mentioned and ask about them (the holiday, kid's show, presentation etc) how it went, or how they are. This is truly appreciated.
Give verbal reinforcement:
To be engaging turn your thoughts, nods, smiles into positive sounds. Combine noise to communicate your feelings and thoughts with your listener. Keep your body language open and non defensive.
Avoid poor language:
People with larger vocabulary get hired quicker, promoted faster. Clichés and poor language, like swearing, sweeping generalised statements and poorly constructed sentences give the impression you are unintelligent and ignorant.
Naked Answers
Flesh your answer out - give someone something to respond to. Also reflect questions back to see what they think about what you have said. Only talk about yourself if you also stop and invite them to share something back, or you will appear "full of yourself" and "arrogant" and they will assume you don't think they matter.
Comm –YOU-nicate
Put “you” into your sentences, it gets a positive response and pushes pride buttons: “you’ll like this”, “you’ve asked a good question”, “you'll know the answer.."
Interviews with JK Rowling, Shirley Manson and other inspirational Scottish women
"To be different from others is what makes us unique and therefore exceedingly rare. Rareness is a currency and gives us value. It's how we choose to spend our currency that defines us."
Shirley Manson - Garbage
A few years ago, I had a great time running the Marketing/ PR for Girlguiding Scotland. At the time there was a national survey released that said most teenage girls’ role models were WAGS and Page 3 girls. It takes quite a lot to get me riled, but I just couldn't believe that this is what society was presenting to young women as inspirational. So, I set out on a project to interview (mainly by phone and email) the most successful women in Scotland.
It took a year, but by the end, I had asked over a 1,000 questions to over 120 successful women. Some were famous like JK Rowling (part of the interview below), Lorraine Kelly, Lulu and Kirsty Wark. Others included Olympic sportswomen, journalists, MPs, authors, musicians, painters and even the first female game keeper. They were all incredibly interesting women who kindly gave their time to inspire Scottish girls and young women. The press coverage was incredible: we got the equivalent of nearly half a million pounds worth of advertising, including full page spreads in almost every national paper and features on the TV and radio.
Personally, it was also interesting to find out a little more about what some of these women were like, one or two not nearly as warm and charming as their public personas. Some originally promised to participate, but despite many reminders, never did. Others were a huge surprise: JK Rowland, and her "people" were reliable, polite, friendly and amenable, and Shirley Mason (from punk rock band Garbage) took the time to write the most encouraging and thoughtful answers (the best I have repeated below).
I would really recommend you look at the Girlguiding Scotland website, particularly if you are Scottish or female and especially if you are a Scottish female. Interviews I recommend reading include: JK Rowling, Shirley Manson (lead singer from Garbage) , Natalie Rob (Emmerdale actor), Rhona Cameron (comedian) and Ashley Jensen (Ugly Betty/ Extras actor).
Here is part of the interview with JK Rowling, as well as snippets from others:
Wit is the highest form of humour..
"Wit is a sword; it is meant to make people feel the point as well as see it.” GK Chesterton
I have talked about the Geordie sense of humour, which is witty banter or taking the... mickey. Harry Hill's TV Burp is considered the news up there.
I do think that wit is the highest form of humour. However, witty people can be misunderstood as they can be considered rather cruel, rude or obnoxious (e.g Jeremy Clarkson, Simon Cowell).
To me, witty people are just brave social commentators with an acerbic, cynical, perspective on life. So what they say is provocative, but there is often a generalised truth or existing hypocrisy or pomposity they need to poke at.
“I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time.”
“Can't respond, I am too f***ing busy, and vice versa.”
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”
"Baldrick, you wouldn’t know a cunning plan if it painted itself purple, and danced naked on a harpsichord singing 'cunning plans are here again'
"Ten men waiting for me at the door? I'm tired...send one of them home."
"People who've won a rosette at a donkey derby don't go on to win the Grand National. Your daughter cannot sing."
I have talked about the Geordie sense of humour, which is witty banter or taking the... mickey. Harry Hill's TV Burp is considered the news up there.
I do think that wit is the highest form of humour. However, witty people can be misunderstood as they can be considered rather cruel, rude or obnoxious (e.g Jeremy Clarkson, Simon Cowell).
To me, witty people are just brave social commentators with an acerbic, cynical, perspective on life. So what they say is provocative, but there is often a generalised truth or existing hypocrisy or pomposity they need to poke at.
“I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time.”
Jeremy Clarkson
"She's so pure, Moses could not even part her legs."
Joan Rivers about Marie Osmond
“Can't respond, I am too f***ing busy, and vice versa.”
Dorothy Parker when being pestered by her editor.
Oh, I'd love to put this on my answering machine, for pure shock factor, but I like my Dad and my job!
Oh, I'd love to put this on my answering machine, for pure shock factor, but I like my Dad and my job!
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”
Oscar Wilde
"Baldrick, you wouldn’t know a cunning plan if it painted itself purple, and danced naked on a harpsichord singing 'cunning plans are here again'
Blackadder – character TV series
"Ten men waiting for me at the door? I'm tired...send one of them home."
Mae West
"People who've won a rosette at a donkey derby don't go on to win the Grand National. Your daughter cannot sing."
Simon Cowell
Dogs Are a Girl’s Best Friend
Dogs are so rewarding, all the love you put in, a dog will give you back ten-fold. There are also proven advantages of owning a dog:
What women want in a man...
Okay, I have been known to contemplate what my expectations should be from men; this made me laugh out loud.
I know now where I am going wrong, I realise I am stuck in the expecations of a girl of 32 and still a 22 year old for three: No. 4 & 5 &..well No.? ...that's for me to know!! But then I'd actually go for aged 42: he looks funny and confident (no comb over/ half & half hair thing). No wonder I am confused.
Motherhood: the best of times, the worst of times...
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair..."
For Mother's Day, I wanted to write something about successful techniques on being a good parent, so I asked some of my female friends and family their thoughts about being a Mum. After hearing what they have said, I am just left struggling to find the right words that reflect the profound respect and admiration I have for all these women. I thought the above quote summed up what they said!
They are all women who think they are “muddling along” in “ordinary lives”, but they are in truth, extraordinary people. Women who don’t appreciate that each and every time they have cared for, encouraged, supported, listened, disciplined and helped their child, they have done an incredibly wonderful thing. Women whose lives are filled with countless selfless acts of kindness, as they shop, tidy up, clean after, cook, read, wash, drive for their children. Women who are often also trying to be good: wives, friends, sisters, daughters and colleagues too.
Lentil, Garlic & Butternut Veggie Stew
This is a scrummy, quick dish from Waitrose discovered by my sister, who is a fab cook. Great with crusty bread. Takes about 30 mins. Serves 4. About 450 cals per portion.
1. Light olive oil
2. 4 celery sticks
3. 1 clove garlic
4. 5 tomatoes
5. 200g lentils
6. 2 x 500g butternut squash
7. 600 mls veg stock
1&2&3 chop and soften
4&5&6&7 stew for 30 mins
Waitrose Recipes
I did send this recipe to a friend and forgot to list the stock. He was delighted, definitely a blonde moment, sorry S.
Celebrating our friends from Mars..
That best portion of a good man's life,His little, nameless, unremembered acts
Of kindness and of love
William Wordsworth
Like most single women, I have make generic and “eye rolling” statements about men, usually said with tongue in cheek. But actually, I am a big fan. All my life I have been surrounded by quality men: my father, my brother, my brother-in-law, my uncles, my cousins, my godfather, my friends, husbands of friends/ family, most exes and the majority of colleagues and dates. As a teacher I came across so many talented and intelligent young men that I knew would also become men of worth one day. As an “aunty” I can name six little boys that just make me glad to be alive when I think of how funny and special they are (Z & S, Ch, C & N, J). I am so lucky I have had in my life, endless examples of men who are decent, caring, honest, wise, strong, intelligent and great company.
Valentines Day & Romance
Valentine's Day, February 14th, has a particular significance for me, as it’s my birthday. Actually, being born on “the most romantic day of the year” feels special. It’s particularly lovely when I am with someone (twice the fuss) and now I'm older, lonely when I’m not, because everyone is partnered off and doing romantic things. I have this completely illogical belief that my birth date has something to do with why I adore romantic gestures. I am also drawn to anything heart shaped, as well as the colour red. Though, to date, I have not had the desire to become a cardiac surgeon.Cynics will say St Valentine’s Day has become commercial nonsense. Tacky perhaps, but any excuse to be romantic, is surely a good thing? What is romance though? It is really a pre-scripted soppy card, single red rose, chocolates and one of the mass produced "I Love You" teddy bears - all bought in a one-stop-shop at 4.00pm the day before? All that’s nice enough (minus the bear) – but for me, the most romantic gestures are those that have required planning, effort and thought.
I don’t need expensive gifts but need memorable moments...
The Five Love Languages book - Gary Chapman
"This will give you the insight on how to understand what you and someone else needs to feel loved, to stay in love or even fall in love in the first place. If more people read this book, many relationships would have got off the ground and many others survived. This is a must for anyone who wants the best chance of getting someone to fall for them or have been told by their partner they didn't feel loved or appreciated. It also helps you understand what it is that you must have in a relationship to be happy with someone." Take the test (bottom of the page).
"The heart of what love is all about is choosing to do things for the benefit of the other person"
"The heart of what love is all about is choosing to do things for the benefit of the other person" Dr Gary Chapman
According to Chapman, there are five different ways we demonstrate and interpret being loved:
1. Words of Affirmation
- encouragement, praise, appreciation, sharing positive feelings.
2. Quality Time
- having meaningful conversations with and sharing activities.
3. Gifts
- giving and receiving special gifts that demonstrate thought.
4. Acts of Service
- doing something helpful which require somes form of planning, time, effort, and energy.
5. Physical Touch
- holding hands, cuddle, giving massage, loving sexual encounters.
The premise of the book is learning how to express your love in a way that the other partner values the most...
Family nicknames
It amuses me how families can develop nicknames or phrases that become ingrained into the language of the family and seem strange to anyone outside.Over more recent years a phrase has started to emerge in our family. My sister-in-law, Paula, is an arbiter of impeccable taste. She surrounds herself in beautiful, elegant and understated things. (Okay, not the best description of my brother.) Over the years, rather than describing something as sophisticated, classy and tasteful – it is now just referred to as “very P ”. My Dad knew that his Christmas present of a floor lamp was perfect when I enthused “oh, it’s VERP P ”. We all understand exactly what great praise this is.
Potty about Pink..
...Crazy about Cerise and Mad about Magenta.
In the words of my five year old niece "I love pink, I really NEED lots of pink things". I know how she feels.
Research has shown that women and girls tend to prefer soft colours from the red hue such as pinks and purples. It has been shown that a product created in pink will sell to the female market quicker than any other colour. The top three most popular products being a pink mobile phone, camcorder and laptop. Even the pink Numatic Hetty vacuum cleaner is the16th most popular vacuum out of more than 375 models!
Scientists in Britain think they might have found an evolutionary explanation for why women like the colour pink. They say that in pre-historic times, women were the foragers and needed to be able to search efficiently for berries and fruits. Ripe fruits and berries tend to be reddish hue, such as raspberries, strawberries, cherries, plums and redcurrants, so women evolved to zone in on them and prefer them to other shades.
The love between sisters...
Jane Austen described her sister as “a treasure, such a sister, such a friend as never can have been surpassed...the sun of my life, the gilder of every pleasure, the soother of every sorrow; I had not a thought concealed from her”.
She couldn’t have put it better.
She couldn’t have put it better.
Having a good sister is one of the greatest gifts in life: she is your best friend and most honest critic. A sister is a version of you that is so familiar it is comforting and yet, she is so different it is also liberating. She is the person you can always tell anything to, and she listens with her heart. She has shared your childhood memories and knows all your grown-up dreams, so hers is the advice to trust because her agenda is your happiness. It is your sister who believes in you, long after you stop believing in yourself.
Julia – my “Boodie” - is beautiful. She is beautiful to look at and beautiful by nature. When we see each other we squeal and hug with so much delight. We still laugh uncontrollably about silly private jokes that are years old (at high pitch) and chat for hours and hours (her husband is delighted with the phone bill). We are fun, noisy and silly together, so much so, once my brother on military leave announced he was returning to war-torn Bosnia for some "peace and quiet".
Old Durham Town
"I got off at Durham... and fell in love with it instantly in a serious way. Why, it's wonderful - a perfect little city.... If you have never been to Durham, go there at once. Take my car. It's wonderful." Bill Bryson
I grew up in Durham, a beautiful historic city and home to the world class university. However, as a teenager I thought it was exceptionally selfish of my parents to have moved to a place with just two nightclubs and an aptly named pub called the “Fighting Cocks”. However, I remember driving back home one Christmas from university and saw the stunningly beautiful cathedral and castle lit up against the night sky and realised how privileged I was to call this home.
My talented best friend
I am very proud of my bestest mate from school (Durham Sixth Form Centre), Helen Austin. Helen spent 20 years performing as a successful musical stand-up comedian, regularly headlining the Comedy Store in London. Though it was disconcerting when the start of her comedy set began with "my best friend..." Also something naughty I told her ended up in her book "Women Behaving Badly".
She and her lovely family selfishly moved to Canada in 2002, where she has established herself as a successful singer/ song writer.I genuinely love listening to her music and religiously listen to her song of the week.
My Mr. Man collection!
When I am old, batty, rude and wearing purple, I am going to look back and giggle about all the men I have dated (I do mean INNOCENTLY dated - not known in a biblical sense). I have an interesting collection I think and wonder if I have the elements of a dating board game here...
They have come from:
Scotland, (Mr. Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Know &Mr. Sensible)
Belgium (Mr. Blue Lagoon looka-likie)
Ireland (Mr .Drunken Poet)
Wales (Mr. Rugby, Mr I Have a Bentley)England (Mr. Hilarious, Mr. Lurch, Mr. Successful, Mr. Grand Prix, Mr Ditzy, Mr. BBC, Mr Elvis-looka-likie, Mr. Morrissey is God, Mr. Sweet, Mr. Teddy Bears, Mr National Trust, Mr. Kind, Mr. Integrity, Mr. Comedy, Mr So-Bland-Can't-Think-of-a-Mr-Name...okay better stop and not go near school dating days..)
USA (Mr. Weaken Knees with my Southern Drawl & Mr. Pushy)India (Mr. Spiritual, Mr Marathon)
Israel (Mr. Gorgeous)
Italy (Mr. Suave)
France (Mr. You Must Think I am Irresistible Because of my Exaggerated Accent)
Spain (Mr. Harvard)
Spain (Mr. Harvard)
Their professions have included:
Navy Seal, RAF Pilot, CEO, Marketing/ HR/ IT Directors, Army Officers, Entrepreneurs, Model, Artist, Doctor, Bankers, Camera-man, Barristers, Geologist, Photographer and in my dating board game, the equivalent of the "Go Straight to Jail Card" - one total Loser (many years ago).Their age has been:
Three years older than me (an elite athlete) and er..15 + years younger (a whole 'nother blog).
Their ethnicity has been:
White, Black, Asian...though I have just realised I have never dated an Oriental guy!
The caveat to this is that I don’t enjoy dating. I dont crave attention from the "wrong man", I have been on a genuine search for the right one. Nor is it flattering or enjoyable when one of you is totally luke-warm about the other. No chemistry is really disappointing, even when you aren't interested. Yes, I am truly done with fake laughter and flicking my hair and making an effort with someone I feel isn't going to be significant in my life.
I love being in a loving, healthy relationship I don't want to turn into some chubby version of Samantha from Sex & The City. I am Carrie looking for her Mr Big...I am a one-man-woman by nature and I would have loved to have settled down at 21 (okay, 25...a girl has to live a little). I am assuming my man has been too busy saving lives in the third world or discovering a cure for cancer...or both. So, I live in hope that I will settle down with someone smart, funny, my best friend who I can talk to about everything and can make me feel wobbly bonkers. Oh...and has a naughty streak! A Robbie Williams meets Jeremy Clarkson meets Jeremy Paxman, if you will.
On my dating board game - I don't have to come first, I just want to finish, do not pass GO and get sent directly home...to my Mr Right at the end.
North Eastern men do banter best
Ant & Dec often feature in my dreams. Not like that...they are just around. I think because they are so similar to the kind of male friends I had growing up in Durham: funny, easy going and always keep your feet on the ground. A few I am still in touch with and they can still make me laugh with their cheeky one liners. You can't get pretentious or precious around Northern blokes, they will just tease you and I love them for it.
A case in point. I like getting "thought for the day" emailed to me. You know the kind of thing: "Plant seeds of peace now and you will create a life of peace in the future." One day, I thought I would share this spiritual wisdom with some friends, in order to enrich their lives, so emailed it on. The response from my Northern friend Paul: "What was that reet pile of gobshite Blakey? Look lass, get ower yersel, we knaa where you came from." Straight to the jugular.
In second place on good banter come the Welsh boys and the Scots.
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