Coping with Redundancy

I have recently been told I am being made redundant.

I was informed in what was described as an “informal discussion”, which as I respectfully pointed out was neither informal, nor was it a discussion.

Actually, during the conversation, I kept thinking how awful it must be for my boss having to tell so many people something so awful: not an experience anyone would enjoy or choose to do unless they really had to. “Shit things can happen to good people” she said. “Yes and good things happen to shit people”  I joked, thinking of greedy bankers still getting their bonuses, whilst so many lives are left in tatters. 


Redundant: a word that means superfluous, needless, and excess – so it’s not a great start on the road to self-esteem. It knocks you and changes who you are - albeit temporarily - it's hard to really relax or truly enjoy anything. One decision about you and your life has changed and come to a standstill. Your head is filled with all kinds of worries and concerns resulting in many sleepless nights. "It’s the role it's not personal" they say, but it feels like a professional slap in the face: everything you do five days a week, eight hours a day seems, in the final analysis, to have been unimportant. Going back in to work is incredibly hard, you were once part of a big team, all committed to a shared goal and now you feel like an isolated individual with no motivation to make a difference anymore and yet you still care about the people you work with, so you force yourself to stay positive and professonal.


The good thing? How kind and thoughtful people are. My loved ones are typically unswerving and supportive and one special person has been nothing short of amazing (Thank You A - elephant juice). I am also lucky that I won’t ever be literally homeless, so I am blessed. What has been so helpful is how great my friends have been. I have been sent a set of inspirational books, like Anthony Robbins - Waking the Giant Within (TY S), some fantastic career advice(TY A), general help and support (TY S), suggested job site links (TY C), empathetic email sharing a similar experience (TY M), invite to visit for some R&R (TY A), and many words of kindness and encouragement through cards, texts and emails. This is what keeps us going, so don't underestimate your random acts of kindness. Today a quiet sweet secretary, who I hardly know, came into my office and asked if I was okay and gave me such a sweet and kind smile. I left work feeling a bit happier knowing when most people are good, so is life.

So, what next...who knows...

How to make anyone you meet like you...

"To be perceived as interesting to people, you must be interested in them. The ability to listen is admired much more than the ability to talk."

A subject that has been on my mind a lot recently has been what it is that makes you warm to someone when you meet them: whether on a date, in a social setting, or at work.

We judge each other by our communication skills - 85% of one’s success in life is directly due the messages our communications skills give out about us. I know someone who draws people to her like a magnet. People think she is wonderful and incredibly interesting. Actually she says very little about herself, she has a way of making you feel special - which is intoxicating. She achieves this purely by a) asking questions and then b) listening intently to the answers like it's the most fascinating thing she has ever heard.  Sounds simple, but so many people get it wrong.

When it comes to dating, I know quickest way to get and keep a girl's heart is to listen and be interested in her... a tip missed by a significant number of men on dates. If someone talks about themselves all the time, you end up feeling boring, uninteresting and that your life and thoughts don't matter, a huge turn off.  One date used to just text me all day with updates about his life, like I was a fan on his Twitter page and not one question about me. What runs through my head, is how would he make me happy if he doesn't have any interest in understanding who I am, where I come from, what I do 40 hours a week, the things I like, the person I want to be.Then they wonder why their looks, personality, achievements, sense of humour become irrelevant.

One of the most useful books that I have read is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, selling 15 million copies world-wide. I would highy recommend it to anyone (who wants to improve any relationship and be successful) to read it.

These were the main points about how to make almost anyone like you:

1. Be interested.
The more interested you are in someone else: their lives, their achievements, their thoughts, the more interesting they will find you. Encourage others to talk about themselves, when you make someone feel important, they will feel drawn to you. You can win the attention, time and cooperation of almost anyone by showing genuine interest in them.

2. Smile and be cheerful.
The effect of a smile is very powerful, it changes relationships. However you feel - greet people cheerfully, enthusiastically and with a smile. People are drawn to happy, cheerful people as it radiates success. A person with a smile on their face is always liked and loved.

3. Remember names.
To hear your own name is the sweetest and most important sound in any language, particularly if you are not face to face. It's important to remember and use people's names.

4. Be great at conversation.
Listen:
To be perceived as interesting, you must be interested. Ask questions that the person will enjoy answering (their interests and achievements). Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Listen carefully for disclosures of things that are important to them and pick up on them. The ability to listen is admired much more than the ability to talk.
Ask questions:
If they reveal something, then ask them to qualify or provide more information. Often parroting a phrase or asking how that felt or why they believe something are great tools to show interest. Questions keeps the conversation going. For every thing you say about yourself, balance it with a question about them.
Use eye contact:
Strong eye contact gives the impression of being intelligent and sincere. Good eye contact signals confidence, trust and knowledge. Women love to be stared at intently, it is proven to increase desire and attraction - eye contact is essential in loving relationships to feel intimacy with someone.
Speak with passion:
Speak with enthusiasm, passion and positivity. Emphasise words and phrases to inject interest.
Use laughter:
Humour enriches every conversation; you will seem more engaging, attractive and likeable. However, never make fun of or make a joke at someone else’s expense to look funny.
Remember key things:
Learn the names of key people in other people’s lives, like their PA, kids, partner etc. Remember snippets of details they have mentioned and ask about them (the holiday, kid's show, presentation etc) how it went, or how they are. This is truly appreciated.
Give verbal reinforcement:
To be engaging turn your thoughts, nods, smiles into positive sounds. Combine noise to communicate your feelings and thoughts with your listener. Keep your body language open and non defensive.
Avoid poor language:
People with larger vocabulary get hired quicker, promoted faster. Clichés and poor language, like swearing, sweeping generalised statements and poorly constructed sentences give the impression you are unintelligent and ignorant.
Naked Answers
Flesh your answer out - give someone something to respond to. Also reflect questions back to see what they think about what you have said. Only talk about yourself if you also stop and invite them to share something back, or you will appear "full of yourself" and "arrogant" and they will assume you don't think they matter.
Comm –YOU-nicate
Put “you” into your sentences, it gets a positive response and pushes pride buttons: “you’ll like this”, “you’ve asked a good question”, “you'll know the answer.."

The Five Love Languages book - Gary Chapman

"This will give you the insight on how to understand what you and someone else needs to feel loved, to stay in love or even fall in love in the first place. If more people read this book, many relationships would have got off the ground and many others survived. This is a must for anyone who wants the best chance of getting someone to fall for them or have been told by their partner they didn't feel loved or appreciated. It also helps you understand what it is that you must have in a relationship to be happy with someone."  Take the test (bottom of the page).

"The heart of what love is all about is choosing to do things for the benefit of the other person"

Dr Gary Chapman

I love finding a book that genuinely makes a difference to my understanding of life and relationships. I do believe we are all a work in progress and can continually look at how we can improve ourselves. The Five Love Languages is a book that really made sense to me and has explained why some people I knew could not make me happy and vice versa, long term, though we both tried. We were speaking different "love languages". Take the test (link below) and realise so much more about what makes you fall in love or stay in love with someone.


According to Chapman, there are five different ways we demonstrate and interpret being loved:

1. Words of Affirmation
    - encouragement, praise, appreciation, sharing positive feelings.
2. Quality Time
    - having meaningful conversations with and sharing activities.
3. Gifts
    - giving and receiving special gifts that demonstrate thought.
4. Acts of Service
    - doing something helpful which require somes form of planning, time, effort, and energy.
5. Physical Touch
    - holding hands, cuddle, giving massage, loving sexual encounters.

The premise of the book is learning how to express your love in a way that the other partner values the most...

Review of The Other Boleyn Girl by Philppa Gregory

Philippa Gregory is my favourite historical novelist, researching the period she writes about in great detail. Most of all, she is a wonderful story teller: bringing to life well-known events and people whilst weaving in absorbing narrative throughout.

By and large the fiction fills in the gaps of the known historical record and brings it to life. Philippa Gregory

Most of us know about the fatal story of Anne Boleyn, but few know that it was her sister, Mary, who was the Henry VIII’s mistress first. It is even possible the King fathered her two illegitimate children, including a son. The two sisters and their brother George were born into a ruthlessly ambitious and conniving family who used their children to advance their position. The narrative is told from Mary’s perspective how her life was filled with greed, jealousy, scheming, betrayal and eventually, true love. Mary’s relationship with Anne is depicted more as a one of rivalry and duty than of sisterly love and loyalty.


The book is compelling page turner, it’s fast paced, easy to read and incredibly interesting. It’s a poignant and thought provoking romp through a fascinating period of time.

www.philippagregory.com

Inspiration for Nicholas Nickleby by Charles Dickens

Tucked into a loop of the broad-flowing Tees, the landscape around Barnard Castle does not look like the setting for cruelty or violence. It's a beautiful market town in a stunning setting. However, in Victorian England, reports of abuse in cheap Yorkshire boarding schools catering for unwanted - often illegitimate - children, started to spread .

It is not surprising then that Charles Dickens turned his attention to the deplorable conditions common in these institutions, denouncing them as examples of "the monstrous neglect of education in England". He must have read about the trial of Shaw’s Academy in Bowes and its headmaster, William Shaw, who had been convicted of negligence against some boys in his care some years earlier. Dickens set off to research the story for his novel Nicholas Nickleby, the story-line of which had been agreed in advance with his publisher. The novel was to serve as a vehicle for exposing the dreadful conditions in the Yorkshire schools.

Depend upon it, that the rascalities of Yorkshire schoolmaters cannot be easily exaggerated, and that I have kept down the strong truth and thrown as much comicality over it as I could.

Charles Dickens on his finished novel Nicholas Nickleby