Funniest things written on real CVs / Resumes...

I asked my brother-in-law to proof my CV once and just before I emailed it off to a number of agencies, noticed that he had added one of my hobbies, as...well...it rhymes with flagging. Thanks C.

Here are some funny comments or mistakes from real resumes and cvs:

Notes:

- Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.


- Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.


Hobbies:


- Drugs and girls.


- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.


- Having a good time



Skills:

- I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings.


- I am great with the pubic.


- My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.


- Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.


- I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.


Qualifications:


- I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.


- I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap.


Experience:

- Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.


- Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.


- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.


- Stalking, shipping & receiving

Salary:
- I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich.


References:
 - Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.

Reason for leaving:

 - Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.

- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.

-The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.


- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.


Where do you see yourself in five years?

- Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually I’d like that now.


- My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can’t do that, I’ll settle on being an accountant.

Sign Here: Aries

Interviews with JK Rowling, Shirley Manson and other inspirational Scottish women

"To be different from others is what makes us unique and therefore exceedingly rare. Rareness is a currency and gives us value. It's how we choose to spend our currency that defines us."

Shirley Manson - Garbage

A few years ago, I had a great time running the Marketing/ PR for Girlguiding Scotland. At the time there was a national survey released that said most teenage girls’ role models were WAGS and Page 3 girls. It takes quite a lot to get me riled, but I just couldn't believe that this is what society was presenting to young women as inspirational. So, I set out on a project to interview (mainly by phone and email) the most successful women in Scotland.

It took a year, but by the end, I had asked over a 1,000 questions to over 120 successful women. Some were famous like JK Rowling (part of the interview below), Lorraine Kelly, Lulu and Kirsty Wark. Others included Olympic sportswomen, journalists, MPs, authors, musicians, painters and even the first female game keeper. They were all incredibly interesting women who kindly gave their time to inspire Scottish girls and young women. The press coverage was incredible: we got the equivalent of nearly half a million pounds worth of advertising, including full page spreads in almost every national paper and features on the TV and radio.

Personally, it was also interesting to find out a little more about what some of these women were like, one or two not nearly as warm and charming as their public personas. Some originally promised to participate, but despite many reminders, never did. Others were a huge surprise: JK Rowland, and her "people" were reliable, polite, friendly and amenable, and Shirley Mason (from punk rock band Garbage) took the time to write the most encouraging and thoughtful answers (the best I have repeated below).

I would really recommend you look at the Girlguiding Scotland website, particularly if you are Scottish or female and especially if you are a Scottish female. Interviews I recommend reading include: JK Rowling, Shirley Manson (lead singer from Garbage) , Natalie Rob (Emmerdale actor), Rhona Cameron (comedian) and Ashley Jensen (Ugly Betty/ Extras actor).

Here is part of the interview with JK Rowling, as well as snippets from others:

Wit is the highest form of humour..

"Wit is a sword; it is meant to make people feel the point as well as see it.” GK Chesterton

I have talked about the Geordie sense of humour, which is witty banter or taking the... mickey. Harry Hill's TV Burp is considered the news up there.

I do think that wit is the highest form of humour. However, witty people can be misunderstood as they can be considered rather cruel, rude or obnoxious (e.g Jeremy Clarkson, Simon Cowell).

To me, witty people are just brave social commentators with an acerbic, cynical, perspective on life. So what they say is provocative, but there is often a generalised truth or existing hypocrisy or pomposity they need to poke at.

“I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time.”

Jeremy Clarkson

"She's so pure, Moses could not even part her legs."

Joan Rivers about Marie Osmond

“Can't respond, I am too f***ing busy, and vice versa.”

Dorothy Parker when being pestered by her editor.
Oh, I'd love to put this on my answering machine, for pure shock factor, but I like my Dad and my job!

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”

Oscar Wilde

"Baldrick, you wouldn’t know a cunning plan if it painted itself purple, and danced naked on a harpsichord singing 'cunning plans are here again'

Blackadder – character TV series

"Ten men waiting for me at the door? I'm tired...send one of them home."

Mae West

"People who've won a rosette at a donkey derby don't go on to win the Grand National. Your daughter cannot sing."

Simon Cowell

She’s Always a Woman To Me - BillyJoel

Miss Understood? 

I have had several boyfriends, who independently said that the same song always reminds them of me. It's very interesting, if slightly disturbing, to read something that reflects how you come across. I hope to show it to the man I end up with and see if he sees the tough/ cold/ feisty woman described here.

She’s Always a Woman To Me

Billy Joel

She can kill with a smile

She can wound with her eyes

She can ruin your faith with her casual lies

And she only reveals what she wants you to see

She hides like a child,

But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love

She can take you or leave you

She can ask for the truth

But she'll never believe you

And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free

Yeah, she steals like a thief

But she's always a woman to me

CHORUS:

Oh--she takes care of herself

She can wait if she wants

She's ahead of her time

Oh--and she never gives out

And she never gives in

She just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more

Than the Garden of Eden

Then she'll carelessly cut you

And laugh while you're bleeding

But she'll bring out the best

And the worst you can be

Blame it all on yourself

Cause she's always a woman to me

She is frequently kind

And she's suddenly cruel

She can do as she pleases

She's nobody's fool

And she can't be convicted

She's earned her degree

And the most she will do

Is throw shadows at you

But she's always a woman to me

Motherhood: the best of times, the worst of times...

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair..."

Charles Dickens

For Mother's Day, I wanted to write something about successful techniques on being a good parent, so I asked some of my female friends and family their thoughts about being a Mum. After hearing what they have said, I am just left struggling to find the right words that reflect the profound respect and admiration I have for all these women. I thought the above quote summed up what they said!

They are all women who think they are “muddling along” in “ordinary lives”, but they are in truth, extraordinary people. Women who don’t appreciate that each and every time they have cared for, encouraged, supported, listened, disciplined and helped their child, they have done an incredibly wonderful thing. Women whose lives are filled with countless selfless acts of kindness, as they shop, tidy up, clean after, cook, read, wash, drive for their children. Women who are often also trying to be good: wives, friends, sisters, daughters and colleagues too.

Celebrating our friends from Mars..

That best portion of a good man's life,
His little, nameless, unremembered acts
Of kindness and of love

William Wordsworth

 

Like most single women, I have make generic and “eye rolling” statements about men, usually said with tongue in cheek. But actually, I am a big fan. All my life I have been surrounded by quality men: my father, my brother, my brother-in-law, my uncles, my cousins, my godfather, my friends, husbands of friends/ family, most exes and the majority of colleagues and dates. As a teacher I came across so many talented and intelligent young men that I knew would also become men of worth one day. As an “aunty” I can name six little boys that just make me glad to be alive when I think of how funny and special they are (Z & S, Ch, C & N, J). I am so lucky I have had in my life, endless examples of men who are decent, caring, honest, wise, strong, intelligent and great company.

Review of The Other Boleyn Girl by Philppa Gregory

Philippa Gregory is my favourite historical novelist, researching the period she writes about in great detail. Most of all, she is a wonderful story teller: bringing to life well-known events and people whilst weaving in absorbing narrative throughout.

By and large the fiction fills in the gaps of the known historical record and brings it to life. Philippa Gregory

Most of us know about the fatal story of Anne Boleyn, but few know that it was her sister, Mary, who was the Henry VIII’s mistress first. It is even possible the King fathered her two illegitimate children, including a son. The two sisters and their brother George were born into a ruthlessly ambitious and conniving family who used their children to advance their position. The narrative is told from Mary’s perspective how her life was filled with greed, jealousy, scheming, betrayal and eventually, true love. Mary’s relationship with Anne is depicted more as a one of rivalry and duty than of sisterly love and loyalty.


The book is compelling page turner, it’s fast paced, easy to read and incredibly interesting. It’s a poignant and thought provoking romp through a fascinating period of time.

www.philippagregory.com

Inspiration for Nicholas Nickleby by Charles Dickens

Tucked into a loop of the broad-flowing Tees, the landscape around Barnard Castle does not look like the setting for cruelty or violence. It's a beautiful market town in a stunning setting. However, in Victorian England, reports of abuse in cheap Yorkshire boarding schools catering for unwanted - often illegitimate - children, started to spread .

It is not surprising then that Charles Dickens turned his attention to the deplorable conditions common in these institutions, denouncing them as examples of "the monstrous neglect of education in England". He must have read about the trial of Shaw’s Academy in Bowes and its headmaster, William Shaw, who had been convicted of negligence against some boys in his care some years earlier. Dickens set off to research the story for his novel Nicholas Nickleby, the story-line of which had been agreed in advance with his publisher. The novel was to serve as a vehicle for exposing the dreadful conditions in the Yorkshire schools.

Depend upon it, that the rascalities of Yorkshire schoolmaters cannot be easily exaggerated, and that I have kept down the strong truth and thrown as much comicality over it as I could.

Charles Dickens on his finished novel Nicholas Nickleby

Anne Boleyn

Anne Boleyn was only queen for three years but remains one of the most famous; still inspiring books and films 500 years on. She was the mother of Elizabeth 1st; the first English queen to be publicly executed and was indirectly responsible for the formation of the Church of England. What I find incredibly interesting about her, was that in a time when women were often used as pawns to advance a family’s position, she shrewdly played the game her way, and won, for a while.

Anne’s father, Sir Thomas Boleyn was ruthlessly ambitious and even his marriage to the well-connected Lady Elizabeth Howard seemed to work to his advantage. His three children, George, Mary and Anne, were all well-educated and formed part of his master plan to attain greater power and status.

Great Expectations?

Today, I have been reliably informed via some women friends in solid marriages, that their secret to happiness is - "to reduce your expectations".

Please, please tell me - which expectations?

That I am going to marry Donny Osmond, Suggs or Robbie Williams?
Done already. I have not been holding out for a super rich, successful, incredibly buff or handsome man. I know none of that may last, so not a reason to select someone. I am not Angelina Jolie, so not expecting Brad Pitt to father my kids (or adopt them!).

That you should be very attracted to one another and have buckets of chemistry?

Okay, if this is the one then I have made a huge mistake. I thought feeling wobbly bonkers about each other was crucial? I have met scores and scores of fabulous men whom I get on with famously and have lots in common with - just no chemistry. Not a decision I personally can make straight away as it's not about just looks for me, but an inner confidence, humour, emotional intelligence, how they look at me and how they listen to me. Oh, and that twinkle in their eye that says "try me, I'm fun to be with". Am I meant to go for Harold Bishop look alikes just because they want to spoil me wotten and tweat me like a pwincess?! Ugh...I can't do that !!!

Eva Peron

“You must want! You have the right to ask! You must desire!”

Eva Peron

I first became intrigued by Eva Peron when I was in Argentina. The legend of “Evita” seems to be admired as much as it is maligned. Nearly sixty years after her death there is still graffiti on the walls in Buenos Aires and flowers left at her tomb. To her supporters she was a saint who strove to overcome poverty and injustice. To her critics she was a controversial figure, who was driven by ambition and vanity.

Eva Duarte was born in 1919 in rural poverty, as the illegitimate daughter of a ranch manager and his mistress. At fifteen she escaped her “miserable dry and sleepy town” for the bright lights of Buenos Aires to become a famous actress.

Within three years Eva had achieved her goal and had carved out a career as a radio and film actress. In 1944, Eva encountered a politician named Juan Perón at a fund-raising concert organized to help earthquake victims: a “marvellous day” she would later recall. Within weeks, she was sharing his apartment and the following year they married. Eva worshipped Peron and devoted her life to her husband’s career.

Life Regrets

I don’t have many regrets in life: some people at school I could have been kinder to; a relationship that should have been five months not five years; moving to Thailand and selling my flat. However, if I could go back again it would be to re-do the conversations I had with people who lost their loved ones to cancer.

I recognised their loss and expressed my sympathy of course...”sorry to hear about your Mum” etc. I only wish I’d understood what heart-breaking tragedy they had just lived through, what a huge range of emotions they had to face on their own as well as with their loved ones. If I had known what depth of anguish and fear they had witnessed, I would have done, said something, anything more than I did.

Now, I would stop, I would listen and take time to recognise the life-changing experience of watching someone they love die, because their body failed them, not their heart, not their mind and not through lack of sheer determination to live. The disease beat them and wore the body down. It beat the strongest drugs and the most earnest and desperate of prayers. It's a disease that is so vile and devastating, that the first feelings for the person who passes are of relief as they have finally been released from the suffering.  

I would also not forget that for a time their loss is something they live every moment of everyday with as normal life resumes. I know now that even with time, sadness is now a part of their life and it dwells just under the surface of everything, the pain ready to reappear at surprising moments and make the loss feel like yesterday again. I would realise that on special days, however happy they seem, some part of it is tarnished, knowing their loved one didn't get to see it.

I wish I'd known then what strong and courageous people they had lost and what strong and courageous people they had to become themselves because of losing somoene they loved to cancer.


Oh, what I’d give for a hundred years
But the physical interferes
Every day more – oh my creator
What is good with the strongest heart?
In a body that’s falling apart?
A serious flaw
I hope you know that...


Waltz for Eva and Che

From Evita

The love between sisters...

Jane Austen described her sister as “a treasure, such a sister, such a friend as never can have been surpassed...the sun of my life, the gilder of every pleasure, the soother of every sorrow; I had not a thought concealed from her”.

She couldn’t have put it better.

Having a good sister is one of the greatest gifts in life: she is your best friend and most honest critic. A sister is a version of you that is so familiar it is comforting and yet, she is so different it is also liberating. She is the person you can always tell anything to, and she listens with her heart. She has shared your childhood memories and knows all your grown-up dreams, so hers is the advice to trust because her agenda is your happiness. It is your sister who believes in you, long after you stop believing in yourself.

Julia – my “Boodie” - is beautiful. She is beautiful to look at and beautiful by nature.  When we see each other we squeal and hug with so much delight. We still laugh uncontrollably about silly private jokes that are years old (at high pitch) and chat for hours and hours (her husband is delighted with the phone bill). We are fun, noisy and silly together, so much so, once my brother on military leave announced he was returning to war-torn Bosnia for some "peace and quiet".

Old Durham Town

"I got off at Durham... and fell in love with it instantly in a serious way. Why, it's wonderful - a perfect little city.... If you have never been to Durham, go there at once. Take my car. It's wonderful." Bill Bryson

I grew up in Durham, a beautiful historic city and home to the world class university. However, as a teenager I thought it was exceptionally selfish of my parents to have moved to a place with just two nightclubs and an aptly named pub called the “Fighting Cocks”. However, I remember driving back home one Christmas from university and saw the stunningly beautiful cathedral and castle lit up against the night sky and realised how privileged I was to call this home.

My talented best friend

I am very proud of my bestest mate from school (Durham Sixth Form Centre), Helen Austin. Helen spent 20 years performing as a successful musical stand-up comedian, regularly headlining the Comedy Store in London.

Though it was disconcerting when the start of her comedy set began with "my best friend..." Also something naughty I told her ended up in her book "Women Behaving Badly".

She and her lovely family selfishly moved to Canada in 2002, where she has established herself as a successful singer/ song writer.I genuinely love listening to her music and religiously listen to her song of the week.

Compliments

This is one of the best compliments I have ever had (from a non-boyfriend)...

"You exude the sparkle and confidence of a woman who knows she is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside."

I told my then-boyfriend who laughed for about half an hour. Yep, straight back to Reality Station.

Advice from happily married friends..

I can't think of any of my friends or family who have not made a really good choice in husbands (a couple the second time around).  So I listen to how they make it work...

 

Helen said:

"Carrie, you do want to marry a MAN don't you? If so, you are going to have to expect disappointing behaviour."

"You need to find someone you actually really like and respect as a person."

"Read the The Five Love Languages. It has transformed relationships."

"Sometimes you have to decide if you want to prove you are right, or want to be happy."

Bood said:
"You don't actually think you will find a man who will say "let's sit down and talk about our feelings" do you?

"You have to have fun and laugh together."

P said:
"Reduce your expectations"

"Choose your battles carefully"

Elaine said:
"If you are a strong, confident woman, you must find an even stronger man who recognises there is also a vulnerable girl inside there too, or you end up doing everything and being his mother."

"Anyone who is thinking of getting married and having kids, should watch the movie Marley & Me. That's real life."

Mum said:
"Watch how he treats his Mum."

J said:

"You have to find someone who can manage you and you can manage them.."

"Find someone who handles you with kindness when you are not perfect."

Emma said:
"Find someone who is kind and considerate to your needs, that the focus is not always about him. Someone who senses when YOU are pressured, busy, tired and feeling low too. That he asks how and does things to make you feel happy and feel appreciated. Self-absorbed and selfish men, usually end up with nagging and unhappy wives...or divorced."

"Don't ever fight fire with fire. One of you has to be be the better person and manage a situation better than the other at different times."

Becs said:
You both have to consciously work at and prioritise the relationship. Make time (book it out, if you have to) to have quality time together, whatever else is happening. It’s fantastic at the beginning because you are making a lot of effort.

Lyrics that remind me of Mum

I had a complicated relationship with my mother, it was full of conflict and love. We lost her to cancer in April 2007. She was an extrordinary woman and has left a big gap in our lives.

When I heard this poignant song by Christina Aguilera...I couldn't believe how near to the bone the lyrics were.


I have picked out the lines that really hit home.

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face...
...If only I knew what I know today, ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms; I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done, forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh
Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away

DON'T treat us mean, to keep us keen...

Every women reaches a stage when she realises that the treat-'em-mean types are a waste of time and toxic. Luckily, my visit to Bad Boy Island was many years ago and definitely not worth the effort or hassle. Also, from personal dating experiences and confirmed in discussions with male friends: when a man comes across a woman of quality, who could be someone special, they step up and increase their game.

The men who get and keep my attention are without any doubt, those who have the confidence and emotional maturity to show the Keen Card, right from the start. Like sending a pre-first date text along the lines of 'looking forward to meeting you'. Smart guys who are interested text really quickly post-date to check you have got home, thank you for the evening and ask about another meet. I don't know one happily married woman who got treated shabbily by her husband when they met. There will be exceptions of course, but mine and other single girls' experiences have been, silence is not a good sign, so (get ready to) move on.