"To be perceived as interesting to people, you must be interested in them. The ability to listen is admired much more than the ability to talk."
A subject that has been on my mind a lot recently has been what it is that makes you warm to someone when you meet them: whether on a date, in a social setting, or at work.
We judge each other by our communication skills - 85% of one’s success in life is directly due the messages our communications skills give out about us. I know someone who draws people to her like a magnet. People think she is wonderful and incredibly interesting. Actually she says very little about herself, she has a way of making you feel special - which is intoxicating. She achieves this purely by a) asking questions and then b) listening intently to the answers like it's the most fascinating thing she has ever heard. Sounds simple, but so many people get it wrong.
When it comes to dating, I know quickest way to get and keep a girl's heart is to listen and be interested in her... a tip missed by a significant number of men on dates. If someone talks about themselves all the time, you end up feeling boring, uninteresting and that your life and thoughts don't matter, a huge turn off. One date used to just text me all day with updates about his life, like I was a fan on his Twitter page and not one question about me. What runs through my head, is how would he make me happy if he doesn't have any interest in understanding who I am, where I come from, what I do 40 hours a week, the things I like, the person I want to be.Then they wonder why their looks, personality, achievements, sense of humour become irrelevant.
One of the most useful books that I have read is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, selling 15 million copies world-wide. I would highy recommend it to anyone (who wants to improve any relationship and be successful) to read it. These were the main points about how to make almost anyone like you:
1. Be interested.
The more interested you are in someone else: their lives, their achievements, their thoughts, the more interesting they will find you. Encourage others to talk about themselves, when you make someone feel important, they will feel drawn to you. You can win the attention, time and cooperation of almost anyone by showing genuine interest in them.
2. Smile and be cheerful.
The effect of a smile is very powerful, it changes relationships. However you feel - greet people cheerfully, enthusiastically and with a smile. People are drawn to happy, cheerful people as it radiates success. A person with a smile on their face is always liked and loved.
3. Remember names.
To hear your own name is the sweetest and most important sound in any language, particularly if you are not face to face. It's important to remember and use people's names.
4. Be great at conversation.
Listen:
To be perceived as interesting, you must be interested. Ask questions that the person will enjoy answering (their interests and achievements). Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Listen carefully for disclosures of things that are important to them and pick up on them. The ability to listen is admired much more than the ability to talk.
Ask questions:
If they reveal something, then ask them to qualify or provide more information. Often parroting a phrase or asking how that felt or why they believe something are great tools to show interest. Questions keeps the conversation going. For every thing you say about yourself, balance it with a question about them.
Use eye contact:
Strong eye contact gives the impression of being intelligent and sincere. Good eye contact signals confidence, trust and knowledge. Women love to be stared at intently, it is proven to increase desire and attraction - eye contact is essential in loving relationships to feel intimacy with someone.
Speak with passion:
Speak with enthusiasm, passion and positivity. Emphasise words and phrases to inject interest.
Use laughter:
Humour enriches every conversation; you will seem more engaging, attractive and likeable. However, never make fun of or make a joke at someone else’s expense to look funny.
Remember key things:
Learn the names of key people in other people’s lives, like their PA, kids, partner etc. Remember snippets of details they have mentioned and ask about them (the holiday, kid's show, presentation etc) how it went, or how they are. This is truly appreciated.
Give verbal reinforcement:
To be engaging turn your thoughts, nods, smiles into positive sounds. Combine noise to communicate your feelings and thoughts with your listener. Keep your body language open and non defensive.
Avoid poor language:
People with larger vocabulary get hired quicker, promoted faster. Clichés and poor language, like swearing, sweeping generalised statements and poorly constructed sentences give the impression you are unintelligent and ignorant.
Naked Answers
Flesh your answer out - give someone something to respond to. Also reflect questions back to see what they think about what you have said. Only talk about yourself if you also stop and invite them to share something back, or you will appear "full of yourself" and "arrogant" and they will assume you don't think they matter.
Comm –YOU-nicate
Put “you” into your sentences, it gets a positive response and pushes pride buttons: “you’ll like this”, “you’ve asked a good question”, “you'll know the answer.."
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