Coping with Redundancy

I have recently been told I am being made redundant.

I was informed in what was described as an “informal discussion”, which as I respectfully pointed out was neither informal, nor was it a discussion.

Actually, during the conversation, I kept thinking how awful it must be for my boss having to tell so many people something so awful: not an experience anyone would enjoy or choose to do unless they really had to. “Shit things can happen to good people” she said. “Yes and good things happen to shit people”  I joked, thinking of greedy bankers still getting their bonuses, whilst so many lives are left in tatters. 


Redundant: a word that means superfluous, needless, and excess – so it’s not a great start on the road to self-esteem. It knocks you and changes who you are - albeit temporarily - it's hard to really relax or truly enjoy anything. One decision about you and your life has changed and come to a standstill. Your head is filled with all kinds of worries and concerns resulting in many sleepless nights. "It’s the role it's not personal" they say, but it feels like a professional slap in the face: everything you do five days a week, eight hours a day seems, in the final analysis, to have been unimportant. Going back in to work is incredibly hard, you were once part of a big team, all committed to a shared goal and now you feel like an isolated individual with no motivation to make a difference anymore and yet you still care about the people you work with, so you force yourself to stay positive and professonal.


The good thing? How kind and thoughtful people are. My loved ones are typically unswerving and supportive and one special person has been nothing short of amazing (Thank You A - elephant juice). I am also lucky that I won’t ever be literally homeless, so I am blessed. What has been so helpful is how great my friends have been. I have been sent a set of inspirational books, like Anthony Robbins - Waking the Giant Within (TY S), some fantastic career advice(TY A), general help and support (TY S), suggested job site links (TY C), empathetic email sharing a similar experience (TY M), invite to visit for some R&R (TY A), and many words of kindness and encouragement through cards, texts and emails. This is what keeps us going, so don't underestimate your random acts of kindness. Today a quiet sweet secretary, who I hardly know, came into my office and asked if I was okay and gave me such a sweet and kind smile. I left work feeling a bit happier knowing when most people are good, so is life.

So, what next...who knows...

Poem about separation

Separation

W. S. Merwin

Your absence has gone through me

Like thread through a needle.

Everything I do is stitched with its colour.

 

 

 

The simplicity of this poem is what makes it so beautiful. Describes so effectively that feeling when you lose someone, and how, at the start, that taints every moment and every action.

Life Regrets

I don’t have many regrets in life: some people at school I could have been kinder to; a relationship that should have been five months not five years; moving to Thailand and selling my flat. However, if I could go back again it would be to re-do the conversations I had with people who lost their loved ones to cancer.

I recognised their loss and expressed my sympathy of course...”sorry to hear about your Mum” etc. I only wish I’d understood what heart-breaking tragedy they had just lived through, what a huge range of emotions they had to face on their own as well as with their loved ones. If I had known what depth of anguish and fear they had witnessed, I would have done, said something, anything more than I did.

Now, I would stop, I would listen and take time to recognise the life-changing experience of watching someone they love die, because their body failed them, not their heart, not their mind and not through lack of sheer determination to live. The disease beat them and wore the body down. It beat the strongest drugs and the most earnest and desperate of prayers. It's a disease that is so vile and devastating, that the first feelings for the person who passes are of relief as they have finally been released from the suffering.  

I would also not forget that for a time their loss is something they live every moment of everyday with as normal life resumes. I know now that even with time, sadness is now a part of their life and it dwells just under the surface of everything, the pain ready to reappear at surprising moments and make the loss feel like yesterday again. I would realise that on special days, however happy they seem, some part of it is tarnished, knowing their loved one didn't get to see it.

I wish I'd known then what strong and courageous people they had lost and what strong and courageous people they had to become themselves because of losing somoene they loved to cancer.


Oh, what I’d give for a hundred years
But the physical interferes
Every day more – oh my creator
What is good with the strongest heart?
In a body that’s falling apart?
A serious flaw
I hope you know that...


Waltz for Eva and Che

From Evita

The love between sisters...

Jane Austen described her sister as “a treasure, such a sister, such a friend as never can have been surpassed...the sun of my life, the gilder of every pleasure, the soother of every sorrow; I had not a thought concealed from her”.

She couldn’t have put it better.

Having a good sister is one of the greatest gifts in life: she is your best friend and most honest critic. A sister is a version of you that is so familiar it is comforting and yet, she is so different it is also liberating. She is the person you can always tell anything to, and she listens with her heart. She has shared your childhood memories and knows all your grown-up dreams, so hers is the advice to trust because her agenda is your happiness. It is your sister who believes in you, long after you stop believing in yourself.

Julia – my “Boodie” - is beautiful. She is beautiful to look at and beautiful by nature.  When we see each other we squeal and hug with so much delight. We still laugh uncontrollably about silly private jokes that are years old (at high pitch) and chat for hours and hours (her husband is delighted with the phone bill). We are fun, noisy and silly together, so much so, once my brother on military leave announced he was returning to war-torn Bosnia for some "peace and quiet".

Ghost Whisperer - American TV Drama

Melinda Gordon (played by Jennifer Love Hewitt) sees earth bound spirits and uses her ability to help people by communicating with them and resolving unfinished business with the living before they cross over into “the light”. Love (as she is known in The Biz) is a stunning woman, but actually quite a good actor too. It’s more heart-warming than scary and I love the one complete story per episode.

On a deeper note, it feels comforting to think of those we have lost going into a light where they are welcomed by past loved ones.

On a shallow note, Love’s character wears lovely clothes, lives in a gorgeous home in an adorable-looking town and is married to the perfect man, so it’s all very easy on the eye. I don’t know any blokes that would sit through more than one episode though, and that would be just to watch Hewitt’s notable assets bursting out of her endless array of silk nightdresses.

The only scary thing about the show is Love's massive false eyelashes, which look like a pair of spiders trying to escape. Anyway, I am on Season Five and loving it. If you enjoy this, try Medium.

Lyrics that remind me of Mum

I had a complicated relationship with my mother, it was full of conflict and love. We lost her to cancer in April 2007. She was an extrordinary woman and has left a big gap in our lives.

When I heard this poignant song by Christina Aguilera...I couldn't believe how near to the bone the lyrics were.


I have picked out the lines that really hit home.

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face...
...If only I knew what I know today, ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms; I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done, forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh
Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away