Wit is the highest form of humour..

"Wit is a sword; it is meant to make people feel the point as well as see it.” GK Chesterton

I have talked about the Geordie sense of humour, which is witty banter or taking the... mickey. Harry Hill's TV Burp is considered the news up there.

I do think that wit is the highest form of humour. However, witty people can be misunderstood as they can be considered rather cruel, rude or obnoxious (e.g Jeremy Clarkson, Simon Cowell).

To me, witty people are just brave social commentators with an acerbic, cynical, perspective on life. So what they say is provocative, but there is often a generalised truth or existing hypocrisy or pomposity they need to poke at.

“I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time.”

Jeremy Clarkson

"She's so pure, Moses could not even part her legs."

Joan Rivers about Marie Osmond

“Can't respond, I am too f***ing busy, and vice versa.”

Dorothy Parker when being pestered by her editor.
Oh, I'd love to put this on my answering machine, for pure shock factor, but I like my Dad and my job!

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”

Oscar Wilde

"Baldrick, you wouldn’t know a cunning plan if it painted itself purple, and danced naked on a harpsichord singing 'cunning plans are here again'

Blackadder – character TV series

"Ten men waiting for me at the door? I'm tired...send one of them home."

Mae West

"People who've won a rosette at a donkey derby don't go on to win the Grand National. Your daughter cannot sing."

Simon Cowell

I am a complete sucker for a witty man. My best funny night out with the lads would be with Simon Cowell, Robbie Williams, Jeremy Clarkson, Jack Dee, Reginald D Hunter and my friend Shane, who does cheeky banter with serious style. What a fantastic night that would be. 

Reginald D Hunter is a dry and sarcastic comedic genius. Now there’s a man I could marry: he has a brilliantly sharp mind with devilish observations on life. A black guy who finds it amusing to say the word “nigga” over and over again, because it offends the white middle class people in the audience, gets my vote. That's pushing the boundaries.

He gives an example about how tame the racist insults are in the UK. He was with a friend in Manchester when someone walked past and said “You Black Bast**d!”. His friend was furious and wanted to start a fight, but Reginald said to him, “To be fair buddy, you are black and your father did disappear pretty quickly”.

Not that I am in that league, of course, but if your humour has that wicked streak, which mine does, the balance is a fine one and some “over sensitive” (as we like to think of them) people can take you literally or too seriously. Wits are just mischief makers and get a thrill from saying things outloud that some people are thinking. A very sweet ex, believed me judgemental for comments such as re-naming ASDAs, ASBOs, or asking a group of unruly kids in a rough school to get on with my work and work on getting pregnant or going to jail after my class. I did get tired of having to explain "I am just joking".

I'd love to be sharper and wittier. Have you ever had one of those moments when you thought of a witty comeback after the moment has passed? The French have a word for it: L’esprit de l’escalier (the wit of the staircase). I love one-liners or cheeky put downs that stop you in your tracks and make you wish you always had a smart response to hand:

Here’s some witty comments I can remember:
As a young teacher I was trying to make one of my 18 year old male students feel silly for misbehaving: “Steve, how old are you?”  I said in my most patronising voice. He leaned over me, looked at me straight in the eye and with a naughty smile said slowly : “Miss B, I can be ANY age you want me to be."  Flustered, much.

A boyfriend said to me: "Wow, where did you come from and where have you been all my life?" I replied "Born on Trouble Island, flew over on Naughty Airlines and travelling around on Feisty Coaches". Poor chap thought it was a joke.

At a party, I had really bad flu and a guy said to me: “You look a million dollars!” I sniffed and coughed and he added “...yeah, all green and wrinkly”.

A guy I went on a few dates with said: “Carrie, ever since I first laid eyes on you, all I've wanted to do is make love to you really badly.”  I replied: “Yes, thank you but that is why I’ll be declining the offer.”

Recently I was trying to be risqué and saucy whilst bantering with a friend by text and told him I was renting a dirty DVD (actually, I have never watched one in my life). He obviously knows me well as he replied “Yes, but let’s face it C, it’s more likely to be Persuasion by Jane Austen isn't it!”

A teacher wrote on my school report: “If Carrie worked as hard as her mouth, she would be top of the class.”


Here are some famous and much better quips, that make me laugh:
Courtney Love: "My friends say that I should sleep with you, but I just can't..down to the pop music thing."
Robbie Williams: "Well, my friends say that I should sleep with you, but I just can't..down to the ugly thing."

Bessie Braddock MP: “You're drunk.”
Winston Churchill : “And you're ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.”

Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your tea.”
Winston Churchill: “Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.”

Muhammed Ali about one of his opponents: "He’s so ugly, when he sweats the sweat runs backwards over his head to avoid his face!”

Commanding Officer on his Captain’s appraisal: 'His men will follow him anywhere... but only out of curiosity.'

Damon Hill on Michael Schumacher: “What you've got to remember about Michael is that under that cold professional Germanic exterior beats a heart of stone.”

John Gielgud about Ingrid Bergman: “She speaks five languages and can't act in any of them.”

Earl of Sandwich: "Upon my honour, Wilkes, I don't know whether you'll die on the gallows or of the pox."
John Wilkes MP: "That depends, my Lord, upon whether I embrace your Lordship's principles or your mistress."

Morrissey about Madonna: "She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else."

Reporter to Gordon Strachan Scottish football manager: "Gordon, do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?"
Strachan: "I don't care, I'm Scottish."
Reporter: "Gordon, if you were English?"
Strachan: "I'd top myself."

Sir Thomas Beecham, the great conductor to a lady cellist in rehearsals: "Madam you have a beautiful instrument between your legs but all you can do is scratch it."

Rod Stewart after his last divorce: “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. He said "Thyroid problem?’"

and my favourite..
Aussie cricketer Glenn Mcgrath to Zimbabwe cricketer Eddo Brandes: "Why are you so fat?"
Bandes replied “..because every time I f**k your wife she gives me a biscuit.”

anyone got any they have said or famous ones?