Motherhood: the best of times, the worst of times...

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair..."

Charles Dickens

For Mother's Day, I wanted to write something about successful techniques on being a good parent, so I asked some of my female friends and family their thoughts about being a Mum. After hearing what they have said, I am just left struggling to find the right words that reflect the profound respect and admiration I have for all these women. I thought the above quote summed up what they said!

They are all women who think they are “muddling along” in “ordinary lives”, but they are in truth, extraordinary people. Women who don’t appreciate that each and every time they have cared for, encouraged, supported, listened, disciplined and helped their child, they have done an incredibly wonderful thing. Women whose lives are filled with countless selfless acts of kindness, as they shop, tidy up, clean after, cook, read, wash, drive for their children. Women who are often also trying to be good: wives, friends, sisters, daughters and colleagues too.

We all take motherhood for granted because it’s universal - there are 2 billion mothers across the world. We all had one, and many of our friends, family are ones. Mothers are everywhere - on TV, magazines, advertising and surround us with their annoying double buggies and noisy kids. It’s accepted most women do it eventually, so it appears to be something that is effortless and natural.


However, the reality is motherhood has brought out the best and worst in my friends and family. It has brought them to their knees and made them jump for joy. It’s been an exceptionally demanding and incredibly rewarding experience for them all.
“It completely f***s up your life, but you can't imagine going back!”.   R

Little people will provide their mothers with every possible emotion including frustration, anger, irritation, resentment, self-doubt, loneliness, fear and despair.
“You'll never feel more tired or bizarrely at times, more alone, trying to muddle through and work out what to do with a little person who is solely responsible on you for their survival.”  K

On top of that, there is little appreciation, understanding and often resentment, but mothers carry on; continuing to care and giving so much of themselves. Why? Because it seems, being a parent is a gift of the most intense and prevailing love that a human being can have.
“I feel as though I just can't go on. Then they smile up to me, or snuggle in to me or say Mummy and I get a burst of energy and know that I can keep going, no matter what.”  S

It seems to be that the mother/ child relationship is also the most amazing partnership, for as much as a mother gives, she will get so much back in many other ways; not just in joy, pride, laughter and pleasure but a chance to learn from their children.
"I wish I’d known how much you can learn from a child...their view on life, the world, the ease to which they laugh and cry. How to have fun, what it is to be silly, laugh at each other and then laugh at themselves.....pure genius....pure childhood!"  T

Many mums also recognised that it's important to understand that their children are “little individuals on loan to you” and you can’t live “vicariously through them”. They will guide them, advise them, and always be there, but have to let them learn by their mistakes and allow them to discover what behaviour will benefit them. Kids need to find out who they are, what interests them and discover their own distinct path.
“It is she who owns her future. It is not for me to design it for her in order to recapture missed opportunities. It is my job as her mother and supreme champion to do everything I can to help her towards her dreams, no matter what they are.”  M

I read an excellent book called My Mother, Myself by Nancy Friday and I would recommend it to anyone who wants to understand the mother/ daughter relationship better. It helped me realise there was no such thing as the perfect mum, all we can expect is a mum who keeps on trying and keeps on loving. Wise mums are more relaxed and open with their kids about their inevitable mistakes, explaining everyone gets it wrong and they can just say sorry. It also apparent it's only when daughters become mothers themselves that they suddenly comprehend the extent to which their mothers loved them and what sacrifices they made. Sadly, those of us who don’t have our mums around, especially miss them at this time, not having the opportunity to seek advice, support or help or just to say...“you did know best sometimes” and “thank you for the things you got right”.

Fundamentally, it’s so important to try to “enjoy every second, as it goes by so quickly”  by not “sweating the small stuff”. Understanding that it’s a unique journey between every mother and her child, filled with ups and downs.
“A baby knows nothing. You don't need to know everything, you all learn together.” E

Just as an embryo sucks all the nutrients and energy from the mother's body, nature takes all that is available to give the baby it’s best chance to be as healthy and strong as it can be. Perhaps that’s what we should learn from nature. No human body is without its own flaws and weaknesses and equally no mother is a perfect human being, so she can only give her best, but flawed, efforts for her child, with the knowledge and resources she has at the time.
“I will never be a perfect mum, I only get it right some of the time, but there always plenty of other opportunities to get it right.”   H

My final comment is to any mums reading this. When you are next yelling at your kids or crying with frustration, spare two thoughts. Firstly, that you are doing the most important job in the world “trying to bring up happy, healthy, well-balanced adults” whose lives in turn will influence so many other people. Then a thought for those of us who are not (yet?) mums, for one reason or another. It can be a matter of great pain, anxiety and emptiness for many of us. Discussing this gap in my life, a friend of mine said to me, “Yes mate, but when you have them, you spend half your life hating them”. Oh, I replied sincerely “I would really LOVE to get the chance to hate my own children”. A weird truth which we laughed at.

“It is an incredible journey really; you go through so many good times and bad. When you go through this rollercoaster of emotions, you don’t think about what you are doing, you just try and work out the solutions, and it's not until someone like yourself asks the questions, that you look back and think how the hell did we get through that!”   J
 

If I Had my Child To Raise Over Again

Diane Loomans

If I had my child to raise all over again,

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I'd finger paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less and know to care more.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars,

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often,

I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I'd model less about the love of power,

And more about the power of love

PS: If you want a laugh about childhood: You Tube Childbirth Song by Helen Austin